Crimson....piece by piece by piece......

[25yearsmlc]

Alright, so I guess I am checking in and throwing a question and looking for advice (nothing is wrong - just finding my way).

So we are 100% moved into the house together again - she got rid of her condo and we have moved her stuff back. In a certain sense (and I say this jokingly) I am also happy to reunite with my couches and chairs....and she even is returning with a new flat screen. That alone almost makes it ALL worth it! (Joking! If I can't laugh at this I will probably just keep crying -- and I do not want that!). We are continuing to learn how to live better lives together and move past our respective hurts from the past. She is till in IC for her childhood trauma - which is good, because the more I learn the more I realize that it played a SERIOUS role in he decline of our marriage.

Sex. That old thing again. We jumped back into the saddle again awhile ago so it is part of the relationship, but it is kind of "mechanical" in the sense that there is really no foreplay or build up per se.....it just kind of happens - usually in the morning before S wakes up for the day and we start moving a million MPH to get out of the house in time for work.

Since you went out on an intimacy limb here, I'll just have to pray that my h never reads this...okay, I know for ME and I've read that for many other women, morning is when our hormones and desire levels are lowest.

This especially stinks for my m b/c h's desire is highest in the EARLY morning and that has long been a challenge for us. I'm a night owl. He's a guy who has to get up hideously early for his work... (Obviously all of this can vary with people AND with phases and schedule changes which we all go through! SO Why not ask her?)

My point here is that our morning "rendezvous" are more aimed at keeping h happy, more than a mutually enjoyable experience for both of us. Is that what is happening in your situation?

Don't get me wrong. I love the intimacy, regardless of whether we both get our "cookies." We all make love for so many reasons Other than purely physical pleasure.

I recall being very depressed after my dad's death. I can't say I "enjoyed" sex for the sex -- but I very much wanted the closeness, and the comfort, and the companionship and tenderness of ML anyhow...do you know what I mean?

Anyhow, in terms of physical pleasure, morning is not it for me. Also

More Foreplay is increasingly needed as well. I hate admitting that but yes, age HAS started to affect things in both of us. That's why I went to my doctor and said I missed having my "full mojo" and I got a RX for hormones. They have made a difference for me and I'm so glad I went.

I say all this to say that your w's choice puzzles me. The lack of foreplay, IF I read your comments correctly, is NOT at your end, but at hers? Are you positive that is what she is requesting? That's very unusual...especially for a woman

Frankly, since the whole childhood trauma thing is vague, I can't wrap my brain around what role that would have in this either. I mean, do you think there is some sort of connection? Was your sex life better before, I mean before all this marital ordeal --like when you first fell in love?

Did she mislead you then, or do you feel it was honestly better/different than now? IF So, in what way?

Yes I know it's "fine" now, but I also sense an element lacking for you. Don't sweep that under the rug Crimson. Really catch yourself on the desire to "not make a big deal out of it." You have to talk about this more than usual.

I think it's a harbinger of something big. Perhaps and hopefully, something big that you two will address, work through and benefit from!

But ignoring that is dangerous to this frail r, which I know you are tenderly nurturing with the utmost care.



Thus far, we don't really kiss. Not like people passionate about one another kiss. It's not me...I want to - but she still has that wall up. Her IC says that a lot of it has to do with the sexual trauma and abuse from her childhood that makes intimate connections difficult.


really? Can you explain that in a way that you are comfortable with? I really don't get how a trauma can make someone want LESS foreplay or LESS of the non sexual intimacy. It seems like it'd be the opposite to me, (but what do I know?)
From what you are implying, you guys are more about the act itself and that's why I don't get the connection between her wanting less kissing/foreplay, and a childhood issue.

Also, at some point dear God, she MUST get past this. Sorry, really I am so sorry. But that's just reality.
I don't just say that for your sake (mostly, sure, but not all). SHE deserves to enjoy the full spectrum of loving sex, which she's denying herself. Sadly, she may be denying some of that to you, AND all because of an event(s) from decades ago?

How has her sister handled it?

In my single life, I got used to foreplay as part of the process, and my ego kind of takes it hard -- as if there is something wrong with me physically or something. She tells me repeatedly that it is NOT me. Still, initiating sex can be a humbling experience because if I am the one putting it out there - through touching or something - it's more often that not politely declined. If she starts it, I jump on board and feel almost like I have hit the lottery.

Crimson, remember that you like me when you read my next paragraph bc it's NOT going to be easy to read, okay?

Ask yourself some hard questions about all this^^^....what if she does NOT change?
What if her desire is always going to be low or off, or what if you are made to feel "less than", b/c you want a passionate love life and she wants....a zygote implanted?

Sometimes we all get so invested in reconciling that we forget to ask ourselves if we want to be married to our spouses, or if we simply don't want to be the rejected one....you want her for your wife again? EVEN IF Sex isn't ever going to be what you want it to be?




Today she texted me at work and said that we should practice kissing. Though I am thrilled by the prospect, I am also somewhat ego-bruised because it sounds like something you have to do with someone that you are repulsed by. And, sadly, in my head I think about the OM she was with for 6 months and wonder if she had to "practice" there too....I doubt it. But I know, I know -- it's a different kind of relationship. She said in her text that it's one of those things where we just need to practice until it feels natural. So tell me....

Is THAT part of the rebuilding process??

Not sure, maybe ask LaBug that one. I happen to like that your w asked, however. She's not bottling it up and hoping you can read her mind, then blaming you for not knowing what she wants b/c "you should know". She actually initiated something related to sex, right? So that's a very good thing to me.

I have been off of my ADs for about three months now and my sex drive is kind of off the chart right now...so I know I don't need the practice or to "warm back up" to her.

Is this normal? Vets? Help!

Crimson

The first time my h ever experienced ED was when we very first reconciled...hey, talk about freaking me out.

You can imagine the thoughts that went through my head. But that's pretty resolved now so, thankfully, I'm not going to wonder about it all. Seriously.

I say this b/c I didn't expect it. I thought the opposite would happen and we'd rush into bed and get on with things!!

And later on, when we'd see each other unexpectedly, or when it seemed to "mean something" positive about our m, that did happen. It was definitely more passionate than usual. Which was great.

And which is what I'm hoping happens for you. I think You need to use all those new tools you have, for discussing this sensitive important topic.

Unlike political discussions or theological ones, which are important to me but which h does not always want to have, I cannot have sex with someone else...(not in THIS marriage anyhow, maybe my next life I'll do one of those "open" things)

So it's a need that has to be met inside the m. I think your w gets that. Can't be swept under the rug.

Hmmm, Crimson, track me down on the alternate universe if you can b/c I have some other suggestions but am not sure they're okay to post about here.

Good luck with this, and btw, any discussion of the embryo lately?

And I'm NOT asking that with a snarky face, just so you know. I'm only curious

Happy New Year buddy!