ok. Thanks, Theoden & Starsky. Your advice is taken. It may take a while. So 1 more question, because I haven't brought up the subject of his OW to him since I first found out. Should I tell him that I know about the calls and texts, continuing? I also found out he purchased a $300 necklace for xmas, not for me or my daughter. (or any of his family) I had taken care of his family. Should I confront him about it?
Yes. Maybe wait til the next time he lies to your face, put your hand up in the "stop" position and cut him off, saying: "STOP IT. Just stop it. We BOTH know you're lying to me right now and it's incredibly disrespectful to me, to our marriage and to our family. I know all about you and ______ -- all of it. I won't live in an open marriage, so it looks like we BOTH have some decisions to make. In the meantime, please STOP lying to me, because I will end the conversation immediately every time you do. "
Hold eye contact with him thru ALL of that, and for about five full seconds afterward. Then leave TGE room.
REHEARSE IT, in your head, ahead of time or -- even better -- out loud when you are alone. Visualize yourself being calm and confident, and standing up to him.
Isbar, your husband will begin respecting you more when you do -- and no sooner.
