Our dynamic has changed through this holiday break. Partly because of the holidays and putting the child support conflict on hold for the holidays. As a result, her behavior has been odd, emotional, and confusing from my standpoint. She seems confused. This is not rare. It's holidays PLUS the changes being made to her family - and oh by the way, SHE is the causative factor in those changes. Guilt hurts. Unfortunately, when we, the LBSers try to foist guilt onto our spouses, it almost always backfires. I noticed when I'd ask h a question to "Get him to think", I really intended to guilt him and every single time he would get mad AT ME...so yeah, it's not effective coming FROM us...
**My DB coach gave me a tip I'll never forget. She said that certain ways of asking questions are, in reality, designed to elicit defensiveness in the recipient and in those cases, that's not a good idea. That was why it would backfire on me.
The questions to AVOID asking, begin with "HOW Could you....??"
AND OR "WHY Did you 'X' or 'Y'?" (After some reflection, I saw her point. I don't tend to ask questions like that anymore).
Your behavior sounds about perfect, btw. And I LOVE that the grandma made it a point to tell you she loves you. That there, is something to treasure and realize that you are NOT being vilified by your wife (or at least, not effectively). Take solace from that and from the knowledge that if her family sees any move on her end, towards you, it will be amply supported.
I am thinking that perhaps the odd behavior is a sign of change. MAYBE...maybe NOT...and or, maybe the change is NOT the kind you want...
And perhaps I should ask her to go with me to CO to consult MWD.
Wow no, I don't think this is the time for that at all. I mean, I disagree. The couple I know who went, found it very helpful -but they are divorced. The reason?
B/C one was the LBS and the other was a WAH and he went to check it off the "I tried" List....to no avail. If both had been on the fence, or were just getting a major tune up for their m, THEN it's such a great idea. Then again, maybe you can just ask your DB coach. Mine was a Godsend but I never involved h in it directly. Ever. IT was for MY work and MY changes...
IMO, you should WAIT on that and keep doing what you are doing b/c it may just be working. See LaBug's comment about the squirrel, and keep it in mind. When things seem to be working, that's when you stay the course. IT's not when you rock the boat. Make sense?
If so, it would be crucial how I phrase it, and also be upfront logistically as we are in New England.
Thoughts....
IF & WHEN SHE brings up something along the lines of "working on the m", then this would be a great time to present her with optionS. (Not just one)
and OR, if she is the one saying this, which I pray is the case, then ask HER for HER thoughts on it...
She's driving the divorce train right now and only SHE can undo that piece.
Back off some more and keep on being the upbeat great catch you are now...
See, here's the simple truth.
NO WAS will return to a marriage he/she left,
UNLESS
he/she believes that marriage can be better/different.
It's your job to demonstrate that you are different and thus, the marriage could be. (Yes, yes we know SHE has her own work and issues to deal with...but for now, she may not be able to see that and it's certainly not the time to bring it up. But that time will come).
Anyway, Her fears are going to be something like "Sure he's different now, BUT if we reconcile, then he'll revert, & things will go right back to where they stink for me again"
and or
"I'll still have to do all the work and he will travel MORE (-and- who- knows- what- else), while I"m stuck at home
without any passion or romanceand my life is not what I wanted it to be....
(which, btw, is what I suspect she feels).
Does any of this ring true or at least possible?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
