Angry WAH blames me for everything.......(2)

[Calibri]

Part of the problem with trying to follow my plan is that H will give me a pretty song and dance about how he wants to talk more or blah blah and then I get sucked in because I (foolishly) think -- "oh this is it, this can be where we're going to make progress." That and the fact that I miss him. Miss him DEEPLY.

The reality is, he's deep within his own depression. His own [censored]. And he's falling back into the old habits that he wants to break. And taking me along with him. I'm tired of it. Which is why I'm stepping off the train. Short term goal: NC for a week. Long term goal tbd.

I want to control it, because I want it to work out. I feel the need to fix it, because I was blindsided by this. It came out of nowhere.

But the reality is -- if H were to come home, and work on our R, I want it to be because he wants to. Not because he felt defeated and had no other option. Because, I want someone who wants to be with me, not because they feel like they have to be with me. I never (and have never) wanted to second guess a reason why a partner is with me.

I'm back to feeling like I did right after the BD. I had a long cry last night at home. I'm exhausted right now. I feel very fragile, and like I'm one bad comment from a cry fest at home. I'm angry. Angry that H didn't put his trust in me to talk to me about his feelings. I'm angry at myself for not seeing this coming. I'm sad that after 10 years, we've been reduced down to this. I'm sad that we can't even talk to one another because of how angry we both are with our individually feelings. I'm upset that my H doesn't want to be with me, right now (as he likes to say -- so I guess that's a positive, we've moved up from I'm divorcing you to, I don't want to be with you right now). I'm upset that my H felt lost while he was with me (and I don't know if that has anything to do with me -- but I'm taking it personally, and I probably shouldn't). I'm upset that my H is so depressed and overwhelmed with his situation and angry that he can't see up from down and doesn't see the value in us. I'm sad that he's so unhappy.

I'm a lot of things. And overwhelmed. Because, there's not a damn thing I can do other than take care of myself, work on myself and see what happens. And I have to respect myself and love myself enough to follow through with the plan. Because otherwise, then what?

Ugh. No more rambling.

Thank you Labug, T and Little for the check-ins and kind words. I think I may need some hand holding for awhile.