Busting this Divorce - 90 Days NC #3

[TSquared2]

Who are your male role models, real life, fiction, movies, etc?

[T384]

HP,

Don't worry about how you come back from this. My H was pretty terrible, well really terrible during our S. I thought to myself there was no way in heIl we would ever be able to Fix our M bc he did not keep the road home very smooth. However - where there's a will there's a way. If your W wants it bad enough she will do what she needs to do IF she decides that's what SHE wants. Do not let fear drive you, don't let it consume you. Do what is best for you and your S. You have to protect yourself and your S, she sure is not concerned about that right now. At the end of the day she will respect you more. Be firm in your boundaries of what's legally the best decision for you. She may be angry but Oh well! The WAS is always angry at the LBS for something anyway!

[mvg]

HP,

I've read most if not all of your sitch and I'm wondering (and to others as well) did your W ever fight you on leaving with S11?

[Dawn70]

Oh, HP...I find such strength and positivity in reading your sitch. I wish I had the nerves of steel that you seem to exhibit. I know you had a rough patch recently, but it really seemed to me that your W was pushing your buttons and you reacted. I strive to get to that detachment that shines through in your posts. Thanks for being an inspiration to me.

[Vanilla]

HP

My H is the most confident ass on the planet. Cock sure, inconsiderate, rude, aggressive and completely unattractive. But he is so confident that his abuse is teaching me!

From Vanilla, I prefer this new gentle HP over the earlier model. The fantastic dad working his stuff with integrity, the man who thinks, reasons, feels his emotions.

Take your time, it's new territority and HP is on the right road.
Vanilla

[HPoirot]

HP,

I've read most if not all of your sitch and I'm wondering (and to others as well) did your W ever fight you on leaving with S11?

Hello MVG. Yes, after I told my wife she could not move with me and S11 to the condo, and that she was never welcome in the condo not even to visit, she completely freaked out and fought me hard with manipulation. Screamed, cried, accused me of taking her boy, threatened to take him instead, threatened to not let him go, threatened lawyers, threatened police, threatened court, etc. I just looked at her and said OK sure to every threat. She backed down confused every time.

This went on for a couple nights. Then she gave in but started to guilt me on ruining the holidays, disrupting S11 school year, ruing S11 birthday party, etc. I just looked at her and said basically... "This is what you wanted... separation. I'm not playing happy family." Blamed me for everything. Cursed me. Called me a coward. Screaming. Crying. Begging. Telling me she would do whatever I wanted. Everything.

Then that stopped and she has mostly pulled herself together. She now tries to control the schedule and guilt me about money and my not answering my phone.

So, in my sitch was we were all already moving to a place I control... the condo. So I just excluded her, took my money, messed with her plan, and made sure I stayed calm and was in the right and looking to protect my son. Also, she knows that she acted horribly and has an IC that seems to have told her the same. Finally some mind reading... she has said over the years that I am better with S11 and I am. She has said even recently that she feels she is not a good mother. And she seems to know she's going through a bad time emotionally as she started IC on her own. And she drinks. And she's in an A.

I'm still surprised and disappointed in my W that I was able to do it. I can't imagine she's missed so many days with her son.

I hope this helps you. You just have to be the calm and firm, don't react, make sure your intension is to help your kids and yourself, and make sure your W understands that you know she loves her kids and you want to protect your kids love for their mom.

[Maybell]

Agree with Vanilla.

Still worried about you and alcohol. Do you have support for that yet?

Don't you all live in a major city? Would a Zip car be less expensive than all these rentals?

Sorry things are stinky.

Oh, and how do you come back from this? Tons of time and generosity on both sides. Also your W remembering nobody owes her nothin'. But it can happen. Just not anytime soon.

[HPoirot]

Who are your male role models, real life, fiction, movies, etc?

Thanks TSquared2. Funny, I used to joke with my W about how I admire Jack Reacher from the books b/c he walks alone, tkes no crap, and needs no one.

I also admire the Rock... at least his story, his outgoing persona, and determination to succeed and help others do same.

James Bond (Connery and new guy a little).

I like Crocket and Tubbs in the Miami Vice movie.

That kind of thing. Thank you for asking

[HPoirot]

Agree with Vanilla.

Still worried about you and alcohol. Do you have support for that yet?

Don't you all live in a major city? Would a Zip car be less expensive than all these rentals?

Sorry things are stinky.

Oh, and how do you come back from this? Tons of time and generosity on both sides. Also your W remembering nobody owes her nothin'. But it can happen. Just not anytime soon.

Hello Maybell! Thank you so much for checking up on me. I have an appointment with my IC next week and will bring up and work through my drinking to dull pain. I plan to go each week after... twice a week if possible.

I did start drinking immediately when I got to the condo yes... did stop for a few days... then had a bottle over the weekend. I'm now on the AD and they have not kicked in fully yet. I know to not mix the AD with the alcohol and I will watch that.

My W did not seem to want to get a zip car whenever she needed one. The rental would work out less for keeping it everyday of the week. I have a plan she won't like at all to buy her out of our car so she'll have to deal with her own transportation in a bit. Let you know more tomorrow when it goes down.

And yes time. I know it will take at least 6 months, July 1, to see anything remotely positive here. Likely way over a year before any R if at all possible could start. I ask you to check me if you catch me being less than generous.

[Maybell]

I'll keep an eye on you, but you've been in great hands so far.

Six months is gone quicker than you expect. Count on it taking longer. I know that's not what you want to hear, but trust me, when four months have passed and you're getting antsy because there's no end in sight, it will suddenly make everything a lot harder. You'll feel like BD all over again. Settle in for the long haul now; better to hope for too little than too much.

Poirot, I really tip my hat to you. The strength you've shown has been impressive. What you did, so quickly when you were probably still reeling in shock, took a serious spine. Take some pride in that. And share that strength with your S. Eleven is such a deceptive age -- they understand too much and too little at the same time. Give him a hug from me. He sounds like he needs one too.