Happy, It's time to really step back for a while. The holidays put a lot of pressure on you this year and unfortunately, he's not ready to actually recommit to the relationship. He's still floating around in space. He's told you what he needs, i.e., time. How much time? Who knows...but you either have to dig deeper for patience or let him go. Letting him go doesn't necessarily mean you boot him out. Letting him go means that you continue to live your life, i.e., GALing, doing things w/your son, etc. and leave him to figure things out. If he wants to be a part of your life and activities, he will.
Your h doesn't realize how frustrating it is to have someone living at home and not being a part of the family and/or relationship. To him, he thinks he is participating somewhat.
As for what happened 17 years ago, that is history and needs to be left in the history department. No one should live in the past and continue to bring up things that long ago. He's still laying the blame on to you and not taking any responsibility for his part in the situation. Unfortunately the crisis people do that because they are in the past and don't want to look in the mirror or they might get the shock of a lifetime and come to realize just how messed up their moral compass really is.
I would take some time for myself and think about what you want and how it will affect you and your child. I wouldn't make any serious decisions until after the holidays. Why? Because the holidays tend to escalate tension, stress and expectations from everyone. Give yourself a break. Do something nice and fun w/your son before he has to return to school.
As for your h, he's asked for time...give it to him, i.e., plenty of it to go around and he can either use that time wisely at home or at another location.
Again, as we have pointed out, you and only you will know when you've had enough. You have to do what is best for you and your family. We will support you any way that we can.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
