H's MLC#6- Now its about ME!

[2BHappy]

JOB
Yes I feel that they way he reacted to my questions really sealed the answer as Yes in my mind. I have no idea where that questions came from it just popped in my head and I asked.

I have left the house for now to get away..Im at a coffee shop having coffee, I noticed my hands have been shaking since I left home, but I dont feel that stressed?

I told him that does not bother or scare me his threats to leave! I have no plans on stopping him leaving, I actually think it is the best option at this point for me.

Omgoodness ask I type that my heart sinks...its really OVER!!

I had planned to go to library and read DR, but not sure if there is a point to that now.

I really believe that if the answer was NO to "are you having sex with somone else" then he would have just said NO, maybe been upset that I ask but answer with a NO eiter way. Heck even a man who was would maybe think to say NO (lying) but not my fool...well who really is the fool here, I think it is me.

I have told him before if he wants to leave if that is what he needs to be happy to go to leave. And today when I told him that does not affect me, he can leave,,,he quickly moved onto my faults and what I did wrong in the past in our R our M.

My 3 month plan to pay all the bills on my own may have just gone out the window.

So now back to his cheating AGAIN...I have nothing to go on, and actually the way he has been acting this last week would not even give me a reason to think anything was going on,,,but for some reason...it came out.

I have no idea what to do, no ideal at all.

The home is peacful as long as I dont bring up the R or M, as long as I dont ask him too many questions.

H ask me why now am I strining up drama when we been having good times,,why now,,he said "it will always be like this, cause you are always thinking" always thinking

[2BHappy]

Oh H also said that he is just trying to get our son in a good place and he wished the MTG was lower so the financial strain would be less on me if he left.

So this man is here "working" on getting our son in a good enough place for him to leave.

working on getting our bills lower so he can feel better about leaving his family

I dont need his favors, we can raise our son by coparenting and I can figure out my own finances.

[job]

Calm down! Breathe! It's not over until the fat lady sings or you decide it's over.

Yep, he's gas lighting you and looking for any and every reason to leave, i.e., bringing up your faults, etc. Please do not buy into that mumbo jumbo.

When you go home, act normal. I know it's going to be difficult, but the more normal you are the better. Anger isn't going to get you anywhere w/him because you've seen that he turns the tables back on to you. They won't admit that they are wrong because to do so who shatter their fragile selves, their moral compasses.

You'll know what to do when the time comes. If he's telling you about getting things done, checking the bills and trying to get bills paid off or lowered, then he's been thinking about leaving for some time. If he goes, wish him well and be sure you've got yourself covered in the financial department.

Breathe! You are going to be okay.

[2BHappy]

Job the roller coaster has been up down and all around today

So I went to library and read some DR, then came home, H wanted to talk I was shocked...there were tears on my part but he is quick snap shot of his talk

Yes he continues to put blame on when I was a WAS he said for 17 years,,,he said he does not want to leave, he is not having A or sex with anyone else, he said he is thinking differently then last year, he said he has not recently said he wanted to leave, pointed out that I continue to bring up his leaving, he did say he is not sure about our R, he said he loves me, I said like a family member, he said no like a man loves a woman, told me he use to cherish the ground I walked on until I crushed his soul, by pushing him away by being emotionally and physically unavailable to him.

It was sooo much at once, he says he did not realize it has been over a year and it did not feel that way to him.

I ask him about OW in feb, and what is different now, he says the way he is thinking about things is different..

He said again and again that he does not want to leave, he needs time to figure things out.

I know I cannot belive the things he is saying and that I can only listen. I would need to see actions..

He ask for time, time to know what he really wants, I said if you dont want this M, its best to leave he said he is not saying he does not want this M, ask again for time. I ask if he just wanted time to plan his leaving to just say that and be honest, he said that is not what he is saying,,he seems very confused and I dont know how much if any of this I can belive...

I was shocked he ask me to talk when I got back, shocked that he was telling me how he feels at all.

He was shocked that after all this instead of spending "family time" with him and s14, I went with my plans to go hang out with some girl friends and chit chat.

When I came home he ask to watch a movie with me, acted like NOTHING happen, not all the R talk, not all my tears, like all was normal.

All of this just makes me feel like I need to put up a LARGE guard on my heart...

I don't know what to make of all this, I don't know what to think,,

OMGoodness he just came in the room and ask my who I was emailing this time of the morning (2am here), said its kinda late to be on the computer. STORMED out of the room.

Yes Job, I know he been thinking about leaving, but he seems to forget that conversation earlier this year, when he talked about it, but he mentioned it today saying "that is why,,I wanted to get the MTG lower to make sure you and s14 is ok" but then he turns right around and says he does not want to leave.

I really dont know why I keep brining up anything, it seems to be a waste of my time and energy.

He did tell me that I can not make him leave this house even though it is in my name only. Told me I control all apects of our R and M and that now I needed to stop making it all about me and that I would not force him into a decision he was not ready to make.

OK, I know I might have left out some stuff,,,too much swriling in my head and its late,,going to read and go to bed.

[job]

Happy,
It's time to really step back for a while. The holidays put a lot of pressure on you this year and unfortunately, he's not ready to actually recommit to the relationship. He's still floating around in space. He's told you what he needs, i.e., time. How much time? Who knows...but you either have to dig deeper for patience or let him go. Letting him go doesn't necessarily mean you boot him out. Letting him go means that you continue to live your life, i.e., GALing, doing things w/your son, etc. and leave him to figure things out. If he wants to be a part of your life and activities, he will.

Your h doesn't realize how frustrating it is to have someone living at home and not being a part of the family and/or relationship. To him, he thinks he is participating somewhat.

As for what happened 17 years ago, that is history and needs to be left in the history department. No one should live in the past and continue to bring up things that long ago. He's still laying the blame on to you and not taking any responsibility for his part in the situation. Unfortunately the crisis people do that because they are in the past and don't want to look in the mirror or they might get the shock of a lifetime and come to realize just how messed up their moral compass really is.

I would take some time for myself and think about what you want and how it will affect you and your child. I wouldn't make any serious decisions until after the holidays. Why? Because the holidays tend to escalate tension, stress and expectations from everyone. Give yourself a break. Do something nice and fun w/your son before he has to return to school.

As for your h, he's asked for time...give it to him, i.e., plenty of it to go around and he can either use that time wisely at home or at another location.

Again, as we have pointed out, you and only you will know when you've had enough. You have to do what is best for you and your family. We will support you any way that we can.

[2BHappy]

Job Yes I know I need to step WAY back for a long while.

One other thing my H brought up is how I use to speak to him and about him in front of and with others...so I ask my BFF and my mom and that both agreed, my mom said that somethings I said to or about him in front of her made her feel very bad for him and upset with me that I was treating my H that way:(

My BFF tells me at times she thought I never really loved my H:(

WHen H mentioned this peice of info he was just venting out everything, like I said he has not talked this much about his feelings EVER.

I know I still have alot of work to do on ME, I don't want to treat anyone badly, I think I know why I acted that way and said certain things, my focus will be to learn how to better express myself going forward.

I have learned that this DB is helping me, praying is helping me be a better ME.

I did not tell H I will give him time, but I will. I let him know that IF he wanted to leave I would support his leaving and we would always be friends and great co parents.

I need to let him go while he is here, I got work to do on myself and I will use the gift of time.

I'm spending today reading DR.

I noticed that I have not been attending Church regulary like I was and I need this, I need that peacefulness that I get from started my week of in Church.

H did say he was sorry for the things he did wrong to and in our relationship, this is also something I have not heard in a very long time.

H told me I can check his cell/email if I wanted to. I really wanted to but I declined, not sure why I said no, but I did...

Time I need more time myself, more time to really figure out what I want WITHOUT being on an emotional roller coaster at the same time.

I know I need to pray thru negative thoughts and emotions.

JOB, thank you for continue to take the time to tell me the same thing in different ways, I hear you, but its sometimes hard to take action.

[job]

Happy,
You are very much aware of what you need to work on in the days ahead. Dbing is a way of life and it helps us learn how to communicate and react to actions as well as words.

Don't try to push the process along because it will backfire. You've got to allow it all to play out in order for him to be a better man after the crisis. Pushing for answers is only going to cause you more frustration and heartache because you aren't getting what you want and when you want it.

You do not need to make a decision today or tomorrow. Wait until after the holidays and get this high stress level holiday out of the way. Your expectations need to be dialed down to zero or 1, nothing more.

Come here when you need to talk and learn that the more you ask the same questions, the more you are going to get frustrated because he's going to tell you the same answers over and over again.

Someone is always here to listen, so stop by when the frustration begins to bubble.

[2BHappy]

Im re reading DR and I'm learning again, just to share...

Timing of questions, I know my H hates to talk about anything early in the morning or right after he gets in from work. But I chose to ignore this because I wanted to talk when I wanted to talk and of course it was a diaster...

I also may be missing the little things "the baby steps" that when I think about I can see in my H the baby steps he has taken since BD.

AND a key point that I had to re read several times to get it to stick in my head

I cannot should not ask my H for anything right now, I cannot ask for what I want, my H is not at that point.

This morning, my H gets out of bed early for him, starts to get dressed I want to know so bad where he is going so early...

I say nothing other then good morning, he says good mornign back continues to get dressed,,,

Then he tells me he is going to meat market to get ribs to make for us before he goes to work for a double shift tonight...

I had mentioned ribs for New Years day dinner a couple days ago,,

So this is a another baby step that I plan to look out for and pay attention to.

My H hates stores of any kind so for him to get up early on a day he has to work a double shift,,,I need to acknowledge that,,

So I ask him if he needed me to do anything while he was at store,,,and when he gets back I will make sure to say Thank you and I really appreciate it. And I do, I will not have to cook today or tomorrow.

I also saw me in the part of the DR book where if I'm mad about something I actually make it worse with my attitude, my H does not react well to anger it makes him shut down..

Ok I reading and learning and trying to start with a beginners mind not sure if I really got that point the first time.

[2BHappy]

Wounded where are you

THANKS for the constant reminders to RE READ DR & DB.

Job, THANKS for all your responses I needed them.

[mleigh4]

2BHappy - I just caught up on your posts and I'm so sorry I didn't see these the other day. At first, I didn't like the way your H was circling around your questions. I swear, between him and my H and your sitch, I can totally relate, they are so alike. But I like the way he took the time to talk with you when you came home, and answered your questions. I especially like how he told you you can check his phone and emails. He is asking for time because he is not able to give anything right now. Think back to when you were a WAS, because I did the same, can you remember how you felt? How you just kind of needed time and space to figure out your feelings? How you just didn't feel that close connection with your H? It's possible this is how he feels, especially the way he explains it.

IMHO - with his openess, if it was me, I would give him the time. What have you got to lose? Use that time to continue working on you so that when the time comes to face the R, you are ready to either go with it or walk away.