Find Calibri, you'e lost yourself trying to control the outcome of this. Let go of the fear that keeps you holding on to something that may not be right for you. (I'm not saying the R isn't right, I don't know that but rather the holding on when he so clearly needs space)
Breathe, concentrate on you.
I need serenity. I need peace. I need answers. I need stability. And I need a plan.
I can probably achieve all of those except for one.
The funny thing is, I never wanted to be defined as a wife. H and i had a joke that we should get a W for christmas because they cook and clean and pay bills on time. But regardless, I was always defined as H's W. I live in the south so as soon as I got married I became (in others minds) Mrs. H's first name his last name. When in reality, I was my first name, my last name. Yes I was married, yes, I was and still legally am his W.
But now that it's potentially off the table? I realize how much pride I had being connected to him in a social setting. In a legal setting. In an emotional setting. Being his w. Does any of this make sense? I guess, part of my identity, but not all, has been influenced and shaped by being in a R with H .
This whole thing has been a blow to me emotionally, physically, spiritually. I'm still struggling to find ten things I like about myself in my regular journal. I have to write an end of year review at work and list my accomplishments, and right now I can't think of any other than my smart ass didn't get myself fired. Before BD, I had clarity, I had happiness, I thought I had it all.
And now, it's like I'm scattered into a million pieces on the ground. I cannot afford to let this creep into my workplace any more than it has. I cannot let it settle into my everyday life. I am much better than this. I cannot let this define who I am.
And yet, at the end of the day, I'm the woman whose H left her. For whatever reasons he has.
That's not who I am, but yet it is. At least right now.
Time for ganb8tes meditation app. Maybe that'll put some pep in my step.
M:32,H 32 T:10, M5 BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15 Served D Papers: 10/15 Divorced: 11/15
