Card29 VIII

[Card29]

I love it when you preface you words with something to the effect of "I say all of this out of love". That's when I know I'm going to hear something real!

Once I wrote out my reason for wanting to post to FB, the fear left me. If they are surprised by a new R down the road, they can call me and ask what's going on if they want.

I have been wondering what's going on with my sudden change of emotion. I think it is a combination of finally embracing acceptance of the death of my M, and some rebound emotions with S's friend. But it has more to do with my stage of grief, at least I believe. I was at peace on Friday like I hadn't felt in 6-7 months, and that was before S said anything about her friend. I've never dealt with this stuff before, but I feel like I had processed everything for all of that time, all that was left to do was be at peace with it. I never numbed my pain with alcohol, meds, other women, etc. And WAW was so blunt on Christmas Eve night, there is just no doubt where this is headed anymore. It doesn't mean it's impossible in the future, and while I still have the door open for a future M with WAW, I'm not waiting nervously by that door anymore.

I know this is a very sudden change, but I'm honestly pouring out my heart like I normally do. On Christmas Eve night, I was settling back into DB, willing to be patient for a possible change of heart in WAW. Then WAW emphatically told me its over, told me she's already moving on to others. I went back to our family gathering and cried on my aunt's shoulder. She lost her H to a heart attack three years ago. She told me about her grieving process, and told me that I am grieving a loss just like her. Everything she said just resonated so deeply. I have cried a lot since BD, but never as freely and released as I did then. And as soon as I stopped crying, I felt so relieved, so peaceful. I had fun the rest of the night with all of the little ones running around. I woke up Friday feeling great. Then everything with S's friend started. I have felt better and better everyday. Now I am playing music and singing like I haven't done in months. I feel like myself for the first time since BD

I am a joyful person, or at least I was prior to these 6+ months. I don't feel like I need S's friend or anyone else to make me happy. I love so many things about life. I feel it all flowing back into my heart. I am trying to gauge how S's friend is affecting me. She shares some qualities with me that I've surpressed for the 10 years I have been with WAW. For example, dancing. I love dancing. WAW hates it. It's just not her thing. So we'd never go anywhere where dancing was even possible. The only time was weddings, and she pretty much forbid me from dancing without her (and of course she wouldn't dance with me), even though I wasn't trying to dance with other women. So maybe some of my feelings are liberation by hanging out with someone that is more like me? I don't know. I think I just need to chill for a while and let my heart sort itself out.

Like I said, I feel like I've been mourning my M for 6 months. I've been alone, I've focused on myself - my flaws and strengths. Of course I have had plenty of pursuit failures. I do NOT think I'm ready for a new R today. A week ago, if you'd asked me when I thought I would potentially be ready for a new R post-WAW, I would have maybe said 10-18 months, or something. Now I feel like my readiness timeline could be measured in weeks. I never felt like I would be ready for a new R as soon as a D was finalized, but now I don't know! I have changed so much in 5 days, I know I just need to chill and let this play out.

The good news is that my personal 180's have been going so amazingly well. I have not looked at porn in months, the longest streak since I first saw porn. It's not even a temptation anymore. I feel so sexually healthy, now. I feel like that is only going to get better and better the further removed I get from the hollowness of porn. I'm also listening better at work, even with my "not so favorite" people. I have been finding plenty of chances to validate and empathize. I have also avoided some Mr Nice Guy tendancies. I need to re-read that book, though. It's been a while since I picked it up.

Lastly, about the dynamic of complicating their friendship with an R...I have thougt about that. Obviously it's up to S's friend IF I approach her in the future to make that decision. It's definitely something to consider. But there are a few things that have made me think the risk of catastrophe isn't too high. Neither S nor I are drama-seekers, and if half of what people tell me about S's friend is true, neither is she. I know we would have issues, just like any R. But I know I could handle my part. And if her desire for a lifelong M is true, I would think she would be receptive to some of the expertise I have been exposed to during these trying months. Even with all of that, of course there would be a risk of things going south and messing things up with her and S. But to me, the risk is worth the potential benefits. ALL THAT SAID - that is getting way ahead of everything lol. She hasn't even agreed to a date, which I am weeks away from asking, if I ask at all.