Jim0987 #8 - A bit clearer on the rebuild

[edz]

Hi Jim

You will miss her no question but, again from what you've said, is that worse than her being so near yet so apart from you? It was bad enough being surrounded by our "stuff" had she been there but not there I don't know how I would not crack and start pursuing. This is something you, vanilla and all the other dbers doing in house sep have my utmost respect for!

Please try to stop beating yourself. Yes, recognise any problems you brought, identify the faults, accept you did what you did or didn't do what you didn't but don't accept all the blame there are 2 people in a marriage so no one person can normally be responsible for its failure (except in cases of abuse). Learn about yourself, own those problems and make the changes to resolve those part of who you are for your sake not for w.

As I said before and this is important, easy to say and bl00dy difficult to do but you need to stop seeing endings and deadlines for your own sake.

If you absolutely have to have a line in the sand make it a reasonable one. I've said purely to myself - and do keep it to yourself its not for w as it would become an ultimatum - that June is my change point. by then its been a year, either w wants to make efforts to reconcile (I'm not saying reconciled just committing to it) wants to officially separate/move toward divorce or something else we've discussed. If none of these has happened I'll then start to reconsider with a councillor what comes next and if I need to take control for my future.

I would also say you and w will always be somewhat linked by the kids regardless if not as a couple and you don't feel friendship is appropriate (I covered this in my thread) then as coparenting.

Anyway you're not there yet and, as I said, its only over when you both decide it is. If w goes off but you want tokeep dbing then its not finally over, this is the mindset I've had to cram into my noggin.

Keep going mate, keep posting...