Card29 VIII

[Card29]

As far as FB (which I'm leaning towards not doing), I would not intend it to be an "available" sign in any respect. I just wanted to avoid any further confusion, especially with some of my out-of-town friends with whom I haven't been very close in 2-3 years. I guess the root of my motivation was this: I feared them seeing something in the coming months IF I'm in a new R, and them just wondering "wtf?"

I could go through my FB friends list and there is not a single available woman on it that would interest me. I'm not looking for the first R I can find (I'm not really looking for one at all). It sounds exhausting right now lol. I wasn't even thinking about it until this thing with my sister's friend popped up. But I've been tempted to dream not just because she is the exact type of woman I would like to meet someday, but because she's best friends with my sister, who I'm very close to. I've also been developing a much closer relationship with my BIL, who is also good friends with this girl. So I can't help but imagine what kind of dynamic our family could have if it actually worked out. My entire family already loves her. Our personalities mesh really well. My sister told me that back when news of my sitch with WAW first broke, over the summer, before anyone ever knew there was a problem with her friend's R, our mom, BIL's mom, some of her other friends and my grandmother all said something to the effect of, "I wish Card and BFF could be together. They are perfect." This really surprised me because I've never really hung out with her, definitely never flirted with her or anything like that. I've just exchanged small talk with her at family gatherings. But the people that new both of us could see what I'm seeing now, how similar we are (personalities, dreams, beliefs).

I'd never given her a second's thought until 4 days ago when S told me everything about her and what happened in her sitch. So I'm a little anxious about her, for several reasons, as far as I can tell:

- I believe I could mesh with many different personality types, but hers is the most natural for me. It's what I thought of when I was just daydreaming one day over the fall.

- Okay, I could find her personality, beliefs, etc. any time in the future. Right. But she's my close S's best friend, and IF it worked out, it could be really amazing. They already refer to each other as "sisters separated at birth". It's not a requirement for me to be joyful, but I'll never find this characteristic in another woman, one who is already practically part of our family.

- She already knows and LOVES D2. I'd never really paid attention before, but every time we've been around her, she sits down with D2 and plays with her. She wants more kids of her own (and so do I, ideally), but I feel like she would welcome being more than just a step-mom to D2. She would embrace her, which is something I fear a future new W might not do.

- She is already being courted by a handful of guys. I have not pursued her for one second, to this point. But she is definitely a "catch", so I kind of feel anxious that she could be gone before I ever had a shot. (Meanwhile, my brain knows she's even further from being ready for another serious R than I am, since I've been processing this for 5-6 months while she's barely a week removed from the end of a 5-year R).

- She knows my sitch, and given that, two interesting things happened Friday night: She told me that WAW is crazy, and she flirted with me a lot (even though she also told me she didn't see us together). Keep in mind, she started the night tipsy, was quickly downgraded to drunk, and ended the night passed out. Plus it was probably the first night since she ended her R that she had some fun. So I'm not putting too much stock into the flirting OR the "rejection". But given that, we had a LOT of fun Friday night, even though she doesn't remember much of it. I have been so hurt for so long, and for one night, I was swept up. Thankfully nothing besides dancing and laughing happened, but it was the most fun I've had since BD, not even close.

- I'm guessing some of these emotions are a typical "rebound". I can see a possible R with a great candidate, and it feels good. I'm not a (complete) fool lol. I know I'm not in the smartest state of mind. I'm sure if I give it a few weeks, I could approach it from a more cerebral viewpoint. I had some butterflies for my salsa dance instructor for a couple of weeks in Sept. I left those alone, and now I just laugh at myself about it.


So there you go, 25yearsmlc. There is the current state of my heart on a silver platter! Dissect away, please

For the record, here is my current "plan" regarding these topics:

- Not posting anything to FB. Won't even consider it again until D is finalized. Does a relationship status change show up in your news feed?

- Not pursuing or contacting S's friend until my heart calms down (few weeks? few months?) and I see what is really going down with WAW. But the D is so eminent that I could be served papers right now and I don't think my emotion would change at all. I can't believe how different I feel after just 4 days from my last breakdown.