New England Newcomer

[25yearsmlc]

Mahhty,

I see hope in your situation for several reasons. Your inlaws DO care about you, despite your MIL's concerns for her d.

You were smart to show up, despite the awkwardness. Everyone concerned knows YOU do not want this. Trust me, no one will be fooled by your wife's declaration of how "happy" she is. And in the event of an OM, no one will think she "just met' him either, (for however much that is worth to you.)

I'd back off of saying how 'resilient" the kids are however. We have no idea what this does to them but in my opinion

getting a divorce is a lot like running your kids over with a truck and hoping they'll be fine b/c after all, the surgeon's a great one with kids...

Yes, they will "Survive" in the sense that it won't literally kill them. AND IF you and your wife put them first, they really might be alright.

I have 5 brothers, 3 of whom are divorced. in ONE Case, where the divorce and custody were particularly acrimonious, I think all 3 of their kids are a bit messed up and now, only as they approach their mid-late 20s do they seem to be coming out of it.

The other 2 brothers had decent enough R's with their former wives and truly put their daughter's needs ahead of their squabbling. To MY knowledge, not once was child support or money or OPs ever mentioned to their d's.(Versus the other brother'd ex who wanted money AND shared custody including for her plastic surgery...oops)

Both of the nieces of the brothers with "Decent" divorces, have kind relationships with both parents and the married niece had a LOVELY wedding and her mom and my brother danced and seemed proud.

I toasted them for rising above their differences and really truly SHOWING UP for their daughter.

it showed b/c she's lovely and kind and I think she felt loved by both of them.

So there's that.

But never mind all that for now. Mah, I think the more you focus on yourself and become a man only a fool would leave,

the wackier/more foolish your wife will feel. There IS such a thing as falling in love with your spouse, all over again. It cannot be forced but it can be chosen.

I've seen it and I've done it. So has my husband.

And finally, in 2006 I told my sisters that my marriage was
'over" and that there "might be 10% chance of us reconciling" and I meant every word of it. I had become the WAS after nearly 2 years of being an LBS. But here I am.

I have 2 family members who finalized divorces, only to remarry their former spouses 5 years later, so that too, happens.

Just stay in your sandbox and do YOUR work. That way, no matter what, you really truly will be more than alright. And so will your children.

Besides, no woman is unmoved by the loving interaction of her children and their dad. Some women stay married solely because of that.

Keep on being the best dad you can-

and none of this means you should be risking your financial security (or your kids') to accommodate your wife.
Be a man of strength and honor. I think that means Be fair, be reasonable, be flexible and be principled.

(Sometimes that last one has to take precedence over being flexible.)

(((( )))