Let's try this again

[Train]

Yes, yes and yes.

Here's what I've learned through reading (and experience): Men are natural "fixers." My H has been *astounded* when I've told him that a lot of times, when I vented to him about the kids, I WAS NOT asking him to help or fix it. When we complain, most men will naturally feel beat-up on. They feel we're taking it out on them. They feel we're telling them we're unhappy ... and that they need to FIX it! (This came as a shock to ME, as a woman. I had read about it but never thought my H felt that way. So I asked him about it one day. Surprise of all surprises: he did/does feel that way!)

And when we get quiet and catty about things? That's even worse. They KNOW something is wrong. But they feel we are expecting them to mind-read. They have NO idea what's wrong ... or what they need to fix. And truth be told: We ARE expecting them to mind-read. Which isn't fair.

Bottom line: based on what I've read and lived and experienced, men and women communicate COMPLETELY differently. A lot of times, we as women expect men to read our minds. And when they *don't* read our minds, or do for us what we want/need them to do (when we've never taken time to tell them what we want/need), we pout and/or give them the silent-treatment and/or get huffy and puffy. We take it personally. Men, meanwhile, WANT to fix things. But a lot literally don't know how to please their female partner/spouse. They actually *appreciate* being told what it is that will make us happy.

So I need to be clear about what I NEED not just what bothers me. I need you to do XYZ not ABC bothers me.

Ahhhhhh .... yeah. Another thing I'm guilty of: not telling H what it is that I want/need until I'm already angry about him not meeting that particular need. And I don't give it enough time to settle down to make my delivery less frustrated. Sometimes, we don't KNOW what we want/need until after an event has happened that makes it clear to us. That's okay, too. But we should commit to ourselves that we will not approach our spouses - and deliver that want/need - until we've settled down a little and can deliver it in a calm, rational way. (I'm still working on this. )

So, yes, I'd absolutely say that your first step is to make a list of what you need/want - your non-negotiables (there's that word again) - from your H to help you get through this nightmare. Deliver it in a loving, gentle way, acting as if he absolutely wants to (and WILL) meet those needs. And give the fella a chance.

(As far as me? We're doing a lot better. I've absolutely bypassed the "acceptance" stage with my sweet D18 and am actively supporting her and making outfits/blankets/bows ... because IT'S A GIRL!!!!! ... and growing excited for May! We're halfway there! Thank you for asking, sweet lady! xoxo)