[job]

Bright,
Calm down! Breathe! You've worked yourself up into a frenzy and it's not worth it, especially over a Christmas card and newsletter from his family.

Many families send out newsy letters w/their Christmas cards. My mother gets one every year from her god child and it contains so much info about her family, what they've done, who got married, died and divorced. It's only a way of letting people know what's happened and nothing more. Yes, it can be taken as self absorbed or, as I put it, bragging. But it's their way of keeping people abreast once a year. Nothing more. Let the emotions over this letter go. It's not worth spinning yourself up. Let it go!

I can sense that you are very close to exploding. Your emotions have been bubbling since that wedding and I'm sensing that each and every action that is coming your way, you are getting more and more annoyed/angry about this stuff, i.e., the mail, his being in your town, the friends at the vacation place, the non-invite to the wedding, him dropping by, the redecorating of the vacation home and FB. All of this stuff has really been getting to you.

You only have control over what you do and how you react to things. If the mail is bugging you, you know what to do about it. If the friends are friendly w/the both of you, then you will need to find a way to remain friends w/them, or just drop them. If you opt to remain friends, then don't discuss your situation w/them. You are the only one that can decide whether or not to have him come by your place and if you prefer him not to come when you aren't home, then you need to set your boundary and tell him. As for the in-laws sending you cards and news letters, either don't open them up or read them and let the information go. (Yes, it's difficult, but you can do it.)

You need to find a way to detach from this stuff. The anger and anxiety that you have is going to start affecting your health. Find a way to release the emotions and try to look at all of these actions as nothing personal against you. Don't sweat the small stuff and you do have the power to change things that are within your control...you will know when you've had enough and will begin to change things so that you are in a better place.

I am very sorry that you are spinning like a top right now and hope that you'll feel better soon.

[BrightFuture]

Job, you are so right, I’m very close to exploding. I’ve trying very hard to keep it under control. Obviously, I have an issue to deal with, the in-laws. I always felt that I was a second class citizen to them, an immigrant. You are also right about the “bragging” part. It has always been H’s oldest brother’s signature behavior, sometimes to the extreme.

H’s presence in town has always been a trigger. No matter how well I prepare myself, it is always the time when I cannot decide how I want to handle this. I haven’t told him that I will drop the mail to his brother’s. I’m still thinking about it, until tomorrow. I have the house decorated for the holidays, I have a tree and the lights. I would not mind H seeing this. It was never his thing to decorate the house, because he was always a mister Grinch at Christmas time. He did it for me and my son, plus we always celebrated New Years, so his excuse was that he was doing all that for the New Years. He always bought a Christmas tree one day before Christmas, and they were also on sale at that time. So, we got to enjoy the tree for a week or two. For the last couple of years I’ve changed that, and I bought the tree earlier, so I could enjoy it longer.

So, back to the decorations and lights… If H changed his mind and signed up on the Facebook, who knows what else is different. Maybe he will see the house and feels something missing in his life... IDK. Wishful thinking, I guess. I don’t know if it is the hope that is still barely existing inside of me, or I just want to rub it in H’s face that I’ve been doing great without him.

I’m driving to the vacation home tomorrow. I’m invited for the desert tour on Thursday and to Christmas dinner at my friends. I’m going to have a good time! And I will see how I feel about the mutual friends.

Merry Christmas, everybody!

[job]

Merry Christmas! Travel safely and enjoy your holiday.

[BrightFuture]

Job, thank you for caring about me.

I’m back from home from the vacation place. I drove in yesterday. There are some things to update.

For the first time I was not very comfortable at the vacation home. I think this was because I had the thoughts that this could be my last visit there. I’ve been having the thoughts of filing for a separation, which I think would give me a piece of mind about my finances and future savings. I still want H to file for D thought, I do not want to do it myself. I think I made a mistake of asking my mutual friends if they would be willing to give their address to me, so I could send the papers them to be served to H. I asked them no not talk to H about it yet, because I don’t have a definite date of when I’m going to do it yet. They promised that they would say a word, but I actually doubt that my male friends will be able to keep that promise. OK, I’m accepting 2x4 for this, LOL.

Interesting part about the condo was that it was the same way I left it last time. I removed all the pictures of H’s family, except for his Dad’s and the one with his brother who lives here. I left the pictures of my son with his GF and myself and my female friend. So, H either didn’t notice, or was too busy partying, but he didn’t put the other pictured back on above the fireplace where they were.

He also didn’t put back in the closet all the dog’s toys. They were still in the living room where I left them. It could be because he didn’t do any cleaning yet when he was there, so they didn’t bother him.

I was contemplating whether to leave there on Saturday or Sunday. Naturally, I would want to spend as much time as I could over there. But, the weather was cold and my walks to the beach were not as pleasant. I went to the Christmas dinner to my friends. They put together a great meal. But, their kid was sick, so we had a lot of screaming and tantrums during the evening.

On Christmas morning I was invited to join a group of people who do an annual trip to a remote location in the desert to visit a man who lives there with his dogs and chickens. This man is 94 years old. I rode in an SUV with a couple who invited me. The guy does the tours to the desert and two years ago I went on one of those with some friends. And the woman works with my mutual friends. Both of them know H. The woman is now friends with him on FB. Anyway, we had about 8 4-wheel drive vehicles and about the same number of off-roads (buggies, rails, etc.) We brought canned food, water, and some clothes for the man and his dogs. It was a great trip.

On the way back, the conversation came up about how one of the people I was introduced to showed some interest. So, the woman was giving me the background on the guy. I laughed and said that it is always great to make new friends, but I was not interested in anything else. She made an interesting comment, that I’m an incredible person and that I deserve to find somebody great. And she said that she doesn’t understand what I found in H first place. She said that they are friends, but she would never see him as a relationship material. Hmm, this is something I’ve heard multiple time from different people by now. Was I blind when I fell in love with H? Or, is it just he not capable of a R right now and does show up.


To be continued...

[BrightFuture]

So, like I said, I was thinking when to return home. One of the reasons was that I made up my mind to leave things for H in the house and was OK with him coming in and picking them up. Once I did that, I came to another conclusion that it was actually better for me, because I didn’t want to see H this time. Funny, how things change, LOL. I was hoping that he would stop by a day before to pick up his stuff. I didn’t tell him when I would be back from the vacation home, and thought that he would actually not worry of me being in the house on Sunday, because I would normally come back home later in the evening.

Well, I came home yesterday, and his stuff was still in the house. I was a bit upset. So, then I thought that he normally drives from here to the vacation home early in the morning, so I stayed in bed until 10 thinking that he would come in, see the dog, realize that I’m home, pick up his stuff and quietly leave, just like he did last year. Nothing happened after 10, so I got up and was going on as usual about my day. Surprisingly, I was calm and not anxious at all. So, after 12 in the afternoon I got a phone call. It was H asking me if I was in the house and if he could stop by to pick up his mail and drop off some stuff. Ha, somebody clearly informed him that I was home. I know who that somebody is, my mutual friend. H came in with the card in his hands and told me that it was a card for me, my son and his GF with a couple of gift cards for them.

His mail was on the table. He picked it up, but was not in a hurry to leave. I can’t remember what the conversation started with, I think with a question about my time at vacation home. I told him that I had a great time, except it was a little cold for the beach walks. Then out of nowhere he asked about a guy and his son (22 old boy with Asperger’s, who is more like a 6 or 7 year old) who were at the Christmas dinner at my friends as well. I guess he knew about that too. So, we chatted about that. This guy is a pastor and very religious (my H is not.) H told me that last year they went driving around the vacation place looking at the house decorations, etc. This guy and his son were invited too, but they didn’t really fit the crowd of H’s friends, who brought beer and drinks on the bus. H actually mentioned quite a few names of his drinking buddies, which was kind of interesting. Like he wanted me to approve, or keeping me in a loop of his friends. I know these people too, but I’m not close with them. Not my cup of tea. But we did cracked some jokes that only two of us could make.

Then we chatted more, and more. Then he started going through his mail saying that he will get rid of the junk mail now instead carrying it with him. While he was looking though his mail, we continued to chat.

He asked me about how my job was going. Wow! Something new. And then he listened to me talking about how great my job is and some details about it.

Forgot to mention that I received an e-mail from him yesterday, telling me that before he saw my e-mail with the company file, he did some reconciliation and also paid himself more money. He apologized that I had to do more work paying taxes and also re-instate the records that were in my update and that are now overwritten by his changes.

When he was here this afternoon he apologized more. I didn’t say anything about more work for me, instead we just talked about the company account and taxes. He said that this year was a very bad year for him. I sympathized and said that I hope the next year will be better. To which he said that “it is got to be, it cannot be worse than this”.

I also had a box with some old manuals and company related books for H to take with him. (I started cleaning my office again.) He looked inside and decided that he didn’t need those and took them to the garbage.

He also asked me if I had a small cooler he could borrow for two Marie Calendar’s pies he was taking with him. I said that I don’t have a cooler, except the one I’m using when I go to the vacation home. Last year I gave him a small cooler for something else, and it remained in the vacation home. Does he think I have endless supply of coolers when he needs them, LOL? He then went to the garage to look if there was a styrofoam one. I said that I doubt it, but I didn’t stop him from going in there. It looked like he was curious about what was in the garage and used that excuse.

Then he asked about a picture of him, his brother and their uncle on the golf course. He proceeded to look through the pictures I have on the piano stand. I said that there should not be any pictures of him because I removed them all and can’t remember where I put them. He still looked through the pics. He said that he wanted some picture to start putting them in the condo. (Haha, I just removed some and put them in the drawer over there.) I told him that I will look and if I find that specific one, I will save it for him.

So, it looked like H was not hurrying out of the door like last time. He actually wanted to chat and he was relieved that I wasn't cold, didn't push him away and was open for the conversation.

I tried to look into H’s eyes to see if there are any feeing. I don’t think I saw anything at all. But, I could not take a good look because he is wearing glasses now. He looked exactly the same, wearing the same old clothes, worn out jeans, t-shirt and a ball cup.

He asked me if I am going to New Year’s party at my sister’s (as usual), and asked me to say hi to everybody. He also said that he will try to text on the New Year’s Eve.

Here is what I gathered from this:
- H didn’t try to avoid me this time (or at least the chain of circumstances make me believe this)
- He was not in a hurry to leave the house
- He came on Sunday afternoon when all the neighbors were home, so it didn’t bother him if people would see him here
- He asked me about my job
- He talked about the vacation home like something we just naturally share and continue to share
- He told me some details about his friends and what they did last year
- We talked like in old times, it was weird after all this time apart
- There are no feelings of anything in H’s eyes (at least I didn’t notice), but he looked me strait in the eyes
- He didn’t give me a hug when he was leaving
- His card was addressed to me, my son and his GF. There was not a separate card for me this year.
- There was no conversation about any legal stuff, like D, finances, or even personal taxes
- He didn’t want anything else from the house, except for the picture (His wooden chests, including the one with engraved words of love from his step-father to his Mom, are still here, and he didn’t ask for them. And I forgot to ask if he wanted to take them… again… Is this a sigh, hehe?)


Me? Like I said, I surprised myself today. I was calm and relaxed. I treated him like a friend. I actually caught myself thinking that I’m not in love with this man standing in front of me. What I’m still in love with then? The man he was before? With my old life, with good memories? It is all gone now. And I’m trying so hard to push the memories away too, it is just so painful.

Sorry for the long post. H’s visits happen about twice a year and I had to journal it before I forget all the details.

[Matt165]

Hi BF,
Glad to hear that you were able to stay calm about H's visit. I too have seen my W a few times over this holiday and have noticed some of the same things you have. I will say that my W is much more able to actually look me in the eyes when she speaks to me, something she hasn't done since she left. But I also have been able to just look at her as a (not so close) "friend". I don't see myself seeing her as someone I would WANT to have a R with if not for our shared history and family. If not for the fact that who she is now is NOTHING like who she was for the last 25 years. So, who IS she? Is she the person she is now or is this just a temporary personality change due to her MLC? Do I decide that this is who she will be from now on or do I hold out some hope that some of the better traits she had in the past will come back? I think this is the same kind of thing that you may be experiencing when you ask "What is it I'm still in love with".

I think it's hard for all us LBS's to except that the person we knew for so very long can change as much as they have in so short a time. Our minds want to see them as they were. I think it is only natural. The craziness is so new when compared to how long they weren't like this. The problem is the time it takes them to come through this, if they ever come through at all. Like you are finding, it may just be that by the time they start to wake up, we have had enough and NEED to move on, if only to keep our sanity.

I wish you luck, no matter what you decide. Only you know when you have had enough, when you need to protect yourself. Whatever you decide just know that you WILL have a great life if you decide that is what you will have. Your future is in YOUR hands. It's up to no one but you how it will go.

[job]

Bright,
Matt is right, only you can decide when you've had enough and want off the coaster.

I would venture to say that your mutual friends called your h as soon as you were gone and told him everything. I'm very glad you remained calm while he was there and he stayed a while. It could be that he was testing the waters to see if you would bring up the subject of separation/divorce. Many times, they come around to take the temperature of the situation.

I'm sure you are glad that visit is over and done with. I'm sorry you had to deal w/it, but at least you were home and were aware of everything he took. Yes, I do think he looks to you to be the keeper of all things, i.e., "mom" and know where everything is and if he doesn't have something, you'll get it for him. He really does need to grow up and learn to be responsible for himself and his belongings.

I do hope you are okay today.

[BrightFuture]

Matt, I hear you. I am trying to understand what is holding me from completely letting go of H. I guess I will find out eventually, if I dig deeper.

Job, I don't think that my friends called him after I left. I think he actually called the office before my male friend left to take care of his son and wife. I vaguely remember he mentioned something in this regard.

I am ok today. And I am glad that this visit is over.

Job, I think you are right again, about him testing the waters. I am not sure what the intent was, but I did notice a couple other things I forgot to mention. He did look at the shelves, one with the special nesting dolls which he brought from the country I am from. Like he wanted to make sure they were still there, but didn't ask to take them with him. Then he looked at the shelf above the piano, where we always had other souvenirs from our multiple trips displayed (and there are still there) and where our picture used to be. The picture is no longer there. I also removed all the pictures of his relatives. It was done long time ago, about 2 years by now. Did he expect to see something different there?

To me it appeared like he was actually trying to look around in the house. I didn't notice this kind of behavior in the previous visits. I might be wrong though.

You are also right about him treating me like a keeper. He was always very responsible person, so this behavior of not finishing the things off (like removing of his remaining stuff from the house and filing for D) is not in his character. Something must be holding him from doing it all. Unless I was wrong all along about him and his character. Don't know anymore ...

[job]

Bright,
I think he was looking around the home to see if anything had changed, maybe you took things down or moved them around...but also to see if there where any "new" pictures that you may have added. He may have been curious to see if there would be a picture of someone new in your life. They like to look around because it is a safe place and they want to make sure that everything is left the way it was when they were there.

Oh, I have a feeling he knows about the conversation and he was chatting away to see if you would say something about it. If he wasn't told, then he sensed a shift in you and wanted to see if you would open up and tell him that you want separation. Keep in mind, many of them don't file because they don't want to look like the bad guy. Again, I am only basing my posting on what you've posted.

He still considers your home his base and he will continue to rely on you and leave things there because he knows that they are safe there and you won't do anything w/them, i.e., like pack them up and take them to his brother's place or toss them out. He knows you very well and is quite comfortable w/things staying the way they are for now.

Bright, I do not think you were wrong about him. However, the crisis does change them a lot while exploring the world. You can't expect him to be the same old h when he's in crisis. They become someone totally different in just about every area of their lives. Unfortunately, no one knows how they will come out of the oven after they are baked.

So, what's on your agenda for New Year's? Got any plans?

[BrightFuture]

Job, it all makes sense. If he was told about my conversation with our friends, then he would probably be curious to check out what’s changed with me and the house. I did ask my friends next day after our conversation to not say anything to H, because I was not sure when and if I would file for separation. I told them that I need to consult with legal service and that I just wanted to know if they would be agreeable to pass on the papers if I decide to do so. They promised me that they would not say anything.

There is a good chance though that my male friend still mentioned something to H if they spoke on the phone.

I don’t know if there is shift in me, but I’m seriously considering to use the legal advice to see how to best protect my finances. As of today, I’m very determined to start the process after the New Year’s.

I’m going to be at my sister’s house for the New Year’s. We have a big celebration with family and friends, and it could go way past the midnight. We will cook some traditional food. My son and his GF are going to come. Also, my BIL (H’s brother) is always invited. There might be a couple more friends of my sister’s too. H always liked this, considering we didn’t do much for Christmas.

I keep remembering more details about our conversation the other day. He also asked about our neighbors, wanting to know how was everything in the neighborhood.

Job, it didn’t even occur to me that he was checking if I would bring a conversation about the separation. There was not a single line that would lead to it. On the contrary, it sounded like he was ensuring that everything was still as it has been.

And, BTW, his brother would not take H’s things into his house. He would tell me that H would have to take care of that on his own. My BIL doesn’t like to be in the middle of things and doesn’t like conflict. Hmm… where did I see the same trend before…