Really struggling this morning. Some tears definitely flowed and it's been hard to find strength to go outside. I feel like I'm in quicksand and looking to grab onto anything that will keep me from going under, keep hope alive.
I am dreading the new year bc with that I know H will put the pressure on things moving forward again. It's been two months of positive interactions (for the most part) and spending time as a family at least once a week. I fear with the holidays coming to a close all of that will end. And it scares the hell out of me.
I keep reflecting on the fact that my IC said it was ironic that the very day H filed for D he showed up at my door step looking like a broken man. If he was fully certain of his decision I don't see why he would do that.
The hardest part of all of this has been how in one conversation I can hear that he wants to serve me and figure this out, and in the same conversation also tell me he would do anything for me and feels a pull to be back with S8 and I. The confusion is killing me. IC says I need to remain the constant unwavering force in all of this. But it's so hard not to be pulled along for the ride.
I almost wish the ambivalence wasn't there for me to see. Because then I think detaching would be easier and believing I don't have the power to change H's decisions would not be there.
I am also struggling with the fact that S8 is not H's son. How will this come into play in the future? Once I meet someone new who hopefully will also want to be a father figure to S8, this will add 3 "dad's" to the mix. Is this fair for S8? For my future partner? With H's future partner be okay with him playing dad to a child who isn't his? All of this seems so confusing.
I also fear that once H does move on, his time with S8 will grow to be less and less. H already works 24 hour shifts making him gone for days at a time. Add into the mix a new relationship, where does my son fit?
Maybe I'm focusing on the bad and dwelling, but I'm having a hard time not to. When you spend the last 5 years believing in something and then suddenly everything changes, it all seems so complicated.
I really wish H will consider going to MC one last time before we end this. We have only ever gone to 3 sessions and in my opinion, that's barely enough time to even begin working on things.
Ugh-- this is all so hard.
Me 26 ; H 26 S 8 Married less than a year Bomb 9/15/14 H moves out 9/15/14 H Files 11/21/14 Served D papers 12/31/14
