Life 2.0 Pt 3

[NH115]

I know, I know. Diarrhea of the mouth during a late night discussion. There's no "there" there. OW and I have had a few discussions in her cubicle, mostly about holidays and running. Nothing more. No texting, no after-hours communication at all. We're not even Facebook friends. She smiles at me and laughs at my stupid jokes and acts like she wants me around. I needed that. I'm rational enough to know that this is my loneliness talking. Safe to say that if we did D that she would be one of the first to know. I wasn't trying to give my W the impression that I was pursuing anyone else...I just thought maybe she'd get that I had other options and that would trigger a little jealousy. Not my proudest moment.

Had my last session with Chuck today. He hammered me (like everyone else on here) to ease up on OM and let my W find her own way. He advised me to keep working on myself and our M; that way the OM would gradually lose appeal for my W, instead of putting my foot down and running the real risk of resentment from her. I was looking at OM as a roadblock that needed to be dynamited out of the way before she and I could continue making progress. What will be will be and chances are she'll make the right call. That's only what the vets on this board have been telling me to do from the beginning. You'd think I'd get it.

My W this weekend started talking about creating new memories and doing things that bonded us. She wants to ML again (gotta wait, time of the month, naturally). These things should be filling me with joy, or at least relief. Problem was, I was partially disappointed that she didn't want to go forward with separation. I don't know if it's because I've been guarding myself against her emotionally for so long, or if I started getting too comfortable with the idea of moving on without her. That was disturbing to say the least. It's funny how the push/pull dynamic works.