to live with or not to live with...

[Little]

I have not really tried to have minimal contact with him for longer than a day or two. How would I explain that without him thinking that I am mad at him?

You don't. Let him wonder what's up -- be mysterious. If he asks directly, you respond with positive PMA; if you respond at all.

That's why it works. It draws the other person toward you because you're pulling back.

[jim0987]

I can only offer my view on this so please take it with a pinch of salt.

If he is actively pursuing other relationships then you might want to consider LRT, but for me this is a boundary issue as in you wont listen to him talking about it or conducting that sort of behaviour from your house.

Can I ask how you know about what he is doing? currently my W denies other man (not true and i know this but cant challenge her on it) but as she says, our Marriage is over, she is moving on and its none of my business who she dates and that I need to move on also.

Does it do me any good to ask about it? nope (i still do though which i know is wrong). Do i gain by talking about him? again no. Can me, our history the problems my W sees really compete with new relationship lust? again no and to try and compete with him and it does me no favours to try, i just look needy and i'm never going to win.

Now if I take this ^^^^ as true, that our marriage is 100% done and i just need to move on then for me the second best scenario is that OM is a really decent guy and that he makes my wife happy and will be a good step father to my kids and that we can establish an effective and postive coparenting relationship for our kids. That changes how I should interact with my wife, certainly is punishing or controlling her going to do me any good? probably not

Instead for me its about trying to be detached and get on with my life, improving myself and hoping that she has some doubts. She is much more likely to see the improvements if she is in the same house, whether she believes them or feels the loss is a different matter. when she moves out she has no need to pay any attention to me (we will barely see or speak to each other)

what this all means for you depends on where you are emotionally on all of this. if the best way for you to move on is to ask him to leave and then drop to minimal contact then maybe thats what you should do. If you can be in the same house, be positive yet detached with an exciting and mysterious life then that might be better. Only you know whats right for you

In relation to the sex starved side of it i have a couple of questions but dont want to intrude to much

[u-turn]

Jim - Again, I agree with you here
Something else that has crossed my mind though, and something to think about T-mom - the possibility that a detached, friendly, room mate, that has nearly no contact, goes out on his own, finds his own activities, could be exactly what they want. It leaves them feeling less guilty about everything, in fact maybe it even justifies an A even more.

To me this complicates and perpetuates this limbo. I know we are doing this for ourselves, but do you ever think that instead of showing them a person that they'd be a fool to leave, that you are proving that this is all perfect?

Just wondering.

[T-Mom]

Yes, u-turn. I do think about that. He would be getting the best of both worlds the, wouldn't he? Perfect for a cake eater.

In our particular case, I really think this is something he has to work out on his own. I'm sure that there is nothing I, personally, can do about him wanting to have sex with other women. It is a long and complicated place we come from, but the complications are really only about sex and intimacy... which I truly think could be worked out in sex therapy. He is not willing to put any more effort into our marriage. He does not want to be "fixed."

[HPoirot]

Jim - Again, I agree with you here
Something else that has crossed my mind though, and something to think about T-mom - the possibility that a detached, friendly, room mate, that has nearly no contact, goes out on his own, finds his own activities, could be exactly what they want. It leaves them feeling less guilty about everything, in fact maybe it even justifies an A even more.

To me this complicates and perpetuates this limbo. I know we are doing this for ourselves, but do you ever think that instead of showing them a person that they'd be a fool to leave, that you are proving that this is all perfect?

Just wondering.

u-turn... what you say being room mates happened to me. After I confronted my W about what I thought was a continuing EA... she considered us separated and moved to the couch. Then, as I started to go out more without telling her where I was going, she did the same but to escalate her A. There was a lot of anger in our house at the time, so I didn't do it right. I was not detached. I'm sure if you're detached and moving on then WAS could take interest in you. Mine actually did ask lots of questions about what I was doing. She just seemed to decide I had moved on which seemed to be what she wanted. So a warning this can backfire if you don't like seeing your WAS walk out the door weekends while you both may know she is lying to you.

[T-Mom]

Is it truly a boundary thing? At this point, he is doing whatever the heck he wants. Is it better to ask him to leave because he is seeing other people and that shouldn't happen while he is living in our house? There's no guarantee that he would leave, but in the land of DB, which is a better option?

[paul19510]

Jim - Again, I agree with you here
Something else that has crossed my mind though, and something to think about T-mom - the possibility that a detached, friendly, room mate, that has nearly no contact, goes out on his own, finds his own activities, could be exactly what they want. It leaves them feeling less guilty about everything, in fact maybe it even justifies an A even more.

To me this complicates and perpetuates this limbo. I know we are doing this for ourselves, but do you ever think that instead of showing them a person that they'd be a fool to leave, that you are proving that this is all perfect?



Just wondering.

I agree with this somewhat....my stbxw reacted just like that when I went about my business and just worked to improve myself and be happy. She just took it as a sign that I was ok with being room mates while she went on with her horse hobby and addiction. She was actually surprised when after a year I finally said. This wasn't Working.

[Vanilla]

This site is about marriage and not open marriage. It's about divorce busting which is as far as I can see your choice. Whatever you do will be towards the divorce busting best result.

You and H are S living separate lives but in the same house. You are full on DB. As I see it the question is will you do better DB in the same location or separately?

My H and I are in the same position. The same house in some ways more separate and in others more together. H is having a great time at my expense (literally and actually). There are many awful abuses and I need more space, H will also get a big wake up call when he lives in rented accommodation and pays for his rent, power, rates, phone, Internet, cable and food. This will happen. So for me this S and in same house is sooooo temporary, until I can sell and pay him off.

For me unless H turns himself 180 then I want LRT and I then really want very very dark for a very long time (perhaps forever). I have mapped my timetable for it. I am not going to be taken in again by sweet lying words.

My H is abusive, yours is not (as far as I understand). My H wants control and domination and your H wants comfort and sex (and can't as yet see you).
In those circumstances it depends on your DB change and how well you can detach until your H turns.

Are you changing T? Is it noticeable? If the answer to both is as obvious to you as it is to me; then the answers are an unreserved 'yes'. H is already noticing, there is no doubt.

Are these changes T wants? Are those changes H will want? If yes then keep on going until you sense there is no further progress for YOU then change it. If no then keep going until you sense there is no further progress for YOU then change it. All change is for YOU whether H is in the same house or no and whether H notices or no.

Separate physically if change is inhibited by being in the same house.

Detach and then detach some more. Decide at leisure.

I wish you calm to decide
Vanilla

[TSquared2]

but in the land of DB, which is a better option?

The better option is "what works for T-Mom?"

Maybe some questions to ruminate over...

-What are you afraid of, in either scenario? Are they the same fear(s), or do the fears vary with the options?

-How might YOU feel about his possible financial hardship? Would you be at peace with yourself? Will you be able to say "no" and let him live the consequences of his choices?

-Is the current arrangement working for YOU? How long might you be able to wait him out? Would waiting til spring, with a forewarning in January, when he could have more work, give you peace, and him time to consider his options?

- (stealing these from another poster ) What is Love to you?

-What is Obligation?

-What is the difference?

-Which do you feel, in reality, right now, for your spouse?

Imo, and I had an SAHM in-house mlc'er for 2.5 years before she moved out after finding a job, with no affection, touch, etc., think these things through, find what YOU think you are able to do (knowing that you are capable of much more than you think you are), use the theater of your mind to play the different scenarios out, see where they might end up...

Imo, standing at first is about learning what you are made of, then it is about learning about you.

Have you started the hard parts of learning about you?

[T-Mom]

Vanilla,
Excuse my ignorance, (and I did refer to the abbreviations)but what is "T"?