I've been MIA due to being waylaid with illness and didn't want to make any comments for they probably would have been wonky.
Alrighty. Listen up, HP. You must realize that DBing isn't one size fits all when one takes the context into consideration. Let's take your example along with Jan's. The first question to ask yourself is: what are the differences between your sitch and Jan's.
You are a male LBH whose wife is in an active affair with OM Jan is a female LBS whose wife is in active affair with OW
You may ask: shouldn't we apply the same principles when DBing regardless of who the players are?
The answer is no. Please allow me to explain further.
When it comes to a WAW in an active affair with the OM, she loses all respect for LBH who goes all wet noodle on her out of fear that he will lose her. Well, he's already lost her with all wet noodle behaviors such as sleeping in the same bed, acting as a babysitter while she goes off with OM, kissing/being affectionate, using marital funds to finance her affair, etc.
In this case, it is critically important for the LBH to assert his leadership by establishing boundaries of no OM and not acting like a gay boyfriend to his WAW. Going dark and using LRT after all other measures have been exhausted is the way to assert his leadership in the M. For a straight woman, this shows her who the boss is and she will clearly see what life will look like without the financial security of her husband. Straight women are generally wired like that.
Contrast this with Jan's sitch. One would think that she should go hard-line on her wayward wife who has OW. Not the case. I encourage Jan to accept about half invitations from her W to interact with her and the kids. Why is that? Here's why I do for gay women with kids.
Gay women, generally speaking, come together based on deep/intense emotional connections. They are not as driven by financial security as straight women are because gay women have learned to be financially independent themselves. In Jan's case, it is critically important for her to interact with her WAW and their kids together because it touches deeply in a gay woman that draws out their feminine and mothering instincts out. For the most part, gay women relationships are fairly egalitarian in sharing finances, household chores, etc.
This is why the DBIng approach is different between your sitch and Jan's. The interplay between gay women marriages and straight marriages are a bit different. I wouldn't say vastly different because we all have the same dreams and aspirations.
Bottom line, in every sitch it is vitally important to be polite and respectful in our interactions with the WAS without being a jerk. It can be done.
