THAT is my question! Financially, it is much more intelligent to live with my WAH...separately, of course... he sleeps in the basement family room. This is driving me crazy, but is probably better for S14. Plus, I still see him all the time, and have to interact with him often. We get along fine, because he is in cake-land, and I am... faking a lot.
So the question is: for DB purposes, which is generally better, (without considering finances) letting him stay, or asking him to go? If it's his journey, and it is, then is it better if he is on his own without much contact? I mean, that is what happens when people separate, right? HELP, please!
A vet will need to chime in, but limiting contact is a last resort technique.
In general, if you're not at the last resort, they say that remaining in the same house and in contact is best, so that your 180s and positive interactions have an affect.
Can you give a short run down of the situation again, so the vets can advise better?
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
... ps.... the financial problems will be for him, not me. It obviously would tighten things up a lot for me, without any income from him, but I can make it.
my view (but i'm no vet and not doing great at DB'g either but thats not the point) is that being in the same house means they have much more chance to witness small consistent changes in you BUT (and its a big BUT) i think they also need to see you moving on with your life through GAL'g etc.
For me the main reason to ask them to leave is if it is harming you emotionally more than you can handle or that they are in someway violating your boundaries.
My wife has been at home since BD (early sept 14) and its not been easy, she is now moving out and whilst i know that it will make detaching easier I cant help but feel i have less chance to show an improved version of me.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
My childhood sexual abuse came into play in our marriage, and my husband was sex starved for years. I missed the affection and connection that comes along with it, but thought he just didn't want to have sex with me, which became true as he blocked himself off from wanting to be intimate with me. He says that he has built up a defense against my touch and he is "repelled" by it. Really, I can understand all of that. He does love me more than anything other than our son, he is just not in love with me. He will not go to a sex therapist, and is now seeking intimate partners. I am a very smart woman (normally!LOL) and I can easily figure so much about what he's doing and even sometimes with whom. At this point, I believe he is still in the pursuit mode. So, he lives in our basement, which is finished as a family room, but we barely ever used it for that. He is currently (no landscaping/construction in NY winter!)not employed, but takes on some construction work now and then. When it snows, he will be dealing with that part of grounds maintenance and will have some income then. He has turned some work down, but not usually. I do not do anything for him, I have a life, I am moving forward with or without him, in terms of doing just about the same thing until our son leaves for college... so 3 1/2 years. I am seething below the surface with my husband, but we are getting along ok, because I am being fake most of the time... which is so unlike me. I am building up some serious resentment, and I feel embarrassed that people know my husband is looking elsewhere.
For me the main reason to ask them to leave is if it is harming you emotionally more than you can handle or that they are in someway violating your boundaries.
I would agree with this ^^^^^.
I am in the same basic situation as both of you. But now there is a clear violation of my boundaries that has to be addressed. I only see this being addressed with a physical separation, which to me is not a tool for R, but a step toward D. (sadly)
If you are unable to detach while he's at home, then it seems to be a perpetual cycle of negativity. Again - this is my opinion and my reality.
Me-45 W-44 S21, S18, D15 T-27, M-21 BD Jan 2014 PA revealed March 2014 In-house separation - April 2015 I filed - Aug 2015 She moved out Oct 2015
I have not really tried to have minimal contact with him for longer than a day or two. How would I explain that without him thinking that I am mad at him?
u-turn, I agree that a physical separation will not be a tool for our R, but a step toward D.
On the other hand, he does have a need to live his life for him, and that will be his life without me. His journey is on him, but he is not going to get help from me for it.
... and I do love him and I don't want him to live in squalor, but the reality of him being without me will be very difficult for him. It's just that I would not want that to be the reason he stays, so I don't want to use that for a tool at all.
