I think I'm done

[mustardseed]

I'm meeting with the lawyer today and I'm scared to death. I don't think I really want this.

I lost my mind a bit yesterday. After we had what I thought was a decent talk about how we should take the next steps, he went out and didn't come home. Before he left I asked him if he was coming home and he couldn't give me a straight answer, then he followed me out the door and accused me of making a scene in front of the kids. I know it wasn't a scene, it was an honest question. the fact that he turned it around on me really bothered me so I texted him in the morning telling him how it only felt like a scene to him because he is ashamed of his choices.

I did everything opposite of DBing partly because I was pretty sure I am done DBing. I couldn't let up all day. I needed to tell him what I was thinking. These are all 180s for me because usually I hold it all in, but I was acting desperate. I was all over the place. I think I was hoping for one inkling of hope that this isn't over. I didn't get it. But looking back over the conversation I did get this:

He felt like I wasn't supportive of him and that I was judgmental of him during our marriage.

At the time I almost missed that comment. He framed it in a different way saying he wanted to surround himself with people who were supportive and nonjudgmental implying that I was no one of those people. And yes, I was extremely judgmental these past couple of days. It hurts me to think he thought I have been like that to him for a while. It's been a lot of months now of me wanting a reason why he is doing this, and I think there is my answer. But I was caught up in my own side of things that I missed the chance to validate. That comment just got brushed aside until later, after I had some time to myself to mull things over and it hit me. There is my answer that I have been searching for. He feels like I haven't been supportive of him and the fact that he hates his job and his life and his living situation.

Now that I know I feel like maybe this can be saved. I didn't validate at the time. I was on my own mission of wanting him to be different about everything and right now looking back I think I might have missed my chance.

But here's the thing. I still don't know how I could have showed him my support. My way of being supportive was to say, "let's make a plan so we can get out of the situation" and I started taking steps to do just that. Taking over the bills, starting a budget, little things to free up some money so we'd have more options. But I feel like he resented that--it made it worse. He didn't want solutions? Or maybe he felt like I was telling him he wasn't doing enough? I don't know. He said he wants to surround himself with people who are supportive and nonjudgmental. But does he mean people who will stroke his ego and not expect anything of him? Because when you are married to each other and share children there are certain expectations--expectations that the bills will be paid. That we will be home with the kids at night. That things are taken care of. It's easy for those friends of his to feed his need to wallow because they don't have a stake in any of it.

He also brought up things I said in past conversations (all within the last two months because that was when I started losing my DB focus) and I realize he heard everything I said completely wrong. Or he twisted it into something else. I told him that this is why we need counseling because we are hearing completely opposite things and we need someone to help us translate. His reply was, "this can't be fixed. It's time to move on."

He told me maybe I should go out to my parents yesterday after our talk and he could have some time with the kids for a few days. I agreed--which is where I am now. But I miss them terribly and I keep wanting to text him. Wanting to keep pushing for that one inkling of hope.

Here is where I stand right now as far as what I want:
I don't want to live in that apartment anymore. I can't wait to move out. He says he doesn't either but doesn't want to move someplace with me.
I want to reach my financial goals. Something that will be easier for me to do if we aren't married.
I still want us to have a chance at fixing it.


Financially I think my life will be much better without him. I will qualify for lower student loan payments so I could get into the Income based repayment plan. right now I am in the extended standard payment which doesn't qualify for the loan forgiveness program.

I won't have to wait for him to give me bill money anymore, and I won't have to ask him for it because he will be legally bound to give me child support. I won't have to worry about where his paycheck is going.

I'll be able to save a ton of money because I will have to move in with my parents for a while--hopefully when it's time to get my own place I will have a decent down payment for a home of my own.

Financially D makes all of the sense in the world.
Emotionally, I'm still not ready.
I don't feel like we've done everything we could do. I feel like our marriage is on life support and the doctor said there is a treatment that can give it 50% chance of survival, but H wants to pull the plug without trying that treatment.

I know I've done everything wrong the past 2 months (after a year of really working hard to detach). I've gotten emotional and really angry. I started talking to people and everyone tells me I need to leave. That I can't let myself be treated this way anymore. That he doesn't love me anymore. And he really doesn't love me anymore. That is such a hard thing for me to accept but it is true. He said so himself yesterday. He values other people over me.

And I don't want to be with someone who doesn't love me. And I don't want to try and be charming and loving toward someone who has mistreated for so long. But for some reason things don't feel finished. And I don't know what I am going to do when I get into my lawyers office today.

I feel sick to my stomach (I am slightly hungover which doesn't help) and I feel so very alone.