Elsa in Piecing (knock on wood)

[jim0987]

I would not say this to H, but sometimes I feel like he's being a little passive-aggressive with the physical touch. He'll make a gesture, but it will be awkward or (for lack of a better word) lame (like the hug equivalent of a limp handshake). I actually wonder if he's holding back on purpose to see if I will say something so that he can play the martyr card -- "I did what you asked me to and it's STILL not enough???? I'm never going to do that again!"

Its just a thought but maybe its because he feels awkward. Maybe he hasnt forgiven himself or he is uncertain of your reaction or he has a whole pile of other issues that are stacked up into it. Why do you think he will play the martyr card?

Dont get me wrong after I was rejected for my apprehensive hugs a bunch of times I stopped trying. I took it as rejection when in reality it was way more complex than that.

I mean, that type of exchange has definitely happened but I don't know if he intends for it to happen or not. Either way, I decided that I'm not going to play that game anymore.

can i ask what you mean by this? what do you intend to do next time?

I guess what i'm saying is this is the kind of thing that can easily become a arguement or a disagreement when in reality you both probably want the same thing. Blame and defensiveness can get in the way.

Maybe next time he does this you might want to think about whether rather than saying something you more lovingly wait till he starts to pull away and then take more of a lead, with a kind of 'hey, I'm not finished with that hug yet' and pull him back into the kind of hug you want.