Christmas Gifts???

[HPoirot]

If you are still emotionally charged towards each other, empathize with her feelings. Honestly try to put yourself in her shoes and validate verbally to her that you understand how she may feel (that was big for us) and do not keep saying it and do NOT keep apologizing... She heard you the first time!!! Just let her know you are aware of her feelings and let it go..

Then Create and keep up the new and comfortable environment.. I started with very short texts about the kids followed by a "smiley" EVERYTIME we texted. eventually she do it back. when we were not arguing about stuff during texts, we stared talking more in person... Keeping up that new environment (even though I am still dying inside). I am constantly making myself that guy that she is questioning herself for leaving.

I also initially made the big mistake about talking about the issues WAY too soon... She wasn't ready... But I kept, and keep hitting the reset button when I get a negative feed back.

Questions for you....

Does she still smile at you???
Are your interactions just transactions?
Are you being confident and not cocky around her?
Are you waiting for her to text or call you (you should be) About anything other than S11?
Are you keeping this a private matter around your friends and family? (she will know if youre not)

Theres a lot more... Good luck Brother.. I am Praying for your guys right now...

Hello Ile Guy. Thank you so much for your post. I find it very helpful and your sitch turnaround very inspiring.

To answer your questions... My W and I are in a bad place right now. She is in an A which she will not stop and continues to lie about. At first, when I didn't know the extent of her activity, I was doing some of the things you're doing and we re-connected a few times.

Now I'm too angry to be around her and she goes from shame/not looking at me in my presence to fury and screaming on the phone. We have not spent any time together since I left with my son on 12/14.

So no she doesn't smile at me now that I don't do what or act like friends as she wants me to.

I have limited our interactions to just S11 transactions. I don't respond to anything else.

Right now I'm barely cordial around her if we meet to exchange S11. I have trouble hiding my anger from her. I haven't gone more than a couple minutes in her presence. She still invites me to do family things like have lunch together on S11s bday or attend his doctor appointments together today. I ignore those invitations.

We only communicate on S11. She used to send me texts about how sorry and wrong she feels about what she's done. I ignored those at first... then responded by calling her on not really feeling sorry b/c she won't make changes. So no more of those texts from her.

I haven't discussed this with anyone close to us except my dad who didn't really like her anyway.

So I've gone pitch black dark with her. I've told her she's lost my friendship and my support. Then I show it everyday. Maybe too much.

I don't know how to get to where you are from here. There's nothing I can do to make that happen. Plus, I cannot pursue or warm up to her while she continues to disrespect our M. I don't take time to feel empathy for her when I'm focused on my pain.

At the same time... I really want to get to where you are. At the beginning of my sitch, she used to ask me to lunch and for drinks. We slept in the same bed, had some good talks, and enjoyed some time together.

Now... B/c of all that... I feel even more angry with her b/c she was in a PA the whole time.

When she senses my anger or me ignoring her... she lashes out and calls me an avoider.

Just don't know what to do outside of going dark on her. It hurts me to do that... so I like reading posts like yours where you're having good connections with your W.

Keep it up and keep going.