Let's try this again

[jim0987]

Hi, I was just catching up on your thread and in your last post there were a couple of things that i wanted to offer my view on but feel free to disregard as your clearly doing a good job.

So as far as telling H what I need. I am great at telling him what bothers me but not great at offering a solution always.

I always took this as criticism and immediately got defensive, how its not my fault or that I dont need to do things. Or I would do what i thought was right rather than asking what was needed. For one of the big issues in my relationship if my wife had said 'I need you to sit with me and hold me' instead of 'You always just abandon me' I would have known different and been much more likely to correct my behaviour

I do like when he holds my hand for no reason, wraps his arms around me, or just touches me. I haven't said too much on that subject either.

Have you thought about initiating more of this, show him what you want rather than wait to see if he will give it freely - it might be he is uncertain to approach because of all the other issues. it might be he feels awkward and anxious about this stuff.

Seriously! I'm paying more for you to live here so you can pay off your debt from when You were with OW! Totally unfair

I would just say be careful of this. it might be just a comment but thoughts like this can lodge and turn into resentment which isnt good for anyone. it may be true but its in the past, his debt is part of him now (regardless of how he built it up) and if you are to stay together its something you need to tackle together

So I need to be clear about what I NEED not just what bothers me. I need you to do XYZ not ABC bothers me.

This ^^^^^^