Let's try this again

[Train]

Hey, T!!!

Really, super dumb question down below, but I haven't seen you spell it out, so I'll ask:

Have you and your H gone on a date lately? Just the two of you? (It can be your idea, too, even though I know you wish he'd take the initiative and you likely feel he owes that to you. And fwiw, I AGREE.) But here's my BIGGER question: On one of these dates, have you relaxed and actually ASKED for what you want and need from him right now?

I'm gonna ramble here ...

We are expected to meet our partner's needs. But sometimes, we're just shooting in the dark at what those needs truly are. A lot of times, we even show love to our spouses in the way WE would best receive love. And we do that sometimes at our own demise. Love is felt and experienced differently for different people, and especially, research (and experience) suggests, between the sexes. I also feel there's a big "hole" that exists between what we read for busting a divorce and what we need to piece a M back together and to sustain love in a relationship - and especially one that has been ripped apart at one point by adultery. For instance, while trying to bust our divorces - or bust our spouses' affairs - we are *supposed* to act independent and carefree. But when Piecing begins, to act independent and carefree is actually careless ... and even detrimental. All a sudden, we need to be a team. And we need to show a little vulnerability. (At the same time, you should ALWAYS remember that you are okay alone. That is a GOOD thing for you to know. You are the cake. He is the frosting.)

But I digress ...

I think you're spot-on with a lot of things. You always have been. And I'll agree with many others that your H may be watching *you* and your patterns ... and maybe he DOES feel inferior to you. And that's not cool in a man's world. But at least based on what you're saying, you ARE trying to love and admire him ... and to forgive him. And - man! - do I KNOW how difficult that is!!

And *of course* you feel this is all unfair! (It IS.) You're the one who was cheated on! You're the one who was abandoned by the man who swore he would love, honor, cherish and protect you FOREVER! And he did the complete OPPOSITE. Honey, it's hard telling how long that wound will take to heal. Certainly not in 6 months, though. Have patience with yourself.

But here's the thing: While it's going to take time, it's also going to take TWO of you stepping up to the plate at the same time. And, T, I'll just be real: unfortunately, some people just don't step up to bat no matter *what* those of us wanting our M to work do. But you have to at least tell your H - specifically - what you need and want from him. *If* he's going to fail, you both need to VERBALLY set the parameters *now* of what "failure" looks like ... if that makes sense.

If you've done that? Then good for you. And I think it's entirely unfair and unacceptable that he isn't at least trying to be *consistent* in providing it to you. Especially this soon out of the gate. In other words, I can feel your frustration in very real ways if you've told him what you need to help you through this and he is outright not providing that to you consistently. And if that's the case, I'm so sorry you're going through that. It isn't fair.

It sounds like you're trying really hard and you continue to work on your side of the street; that's all anyone can ask of you. But do I think that at this stage your H should be stepping up and giving you the things you've told him will help you move past this nightmare? Um, yes. ABSOLUTELY. IMO, as long as you are working to be the W he needs, he should be working TWICE as hard to reassure YOU that he's faithful and committed to your R.

Let me be clear: You both need to be prepared to wake up every day, for the rest of your lives, deliberately choosing to meet each others' needs. (That's where the "work" comes in.) But if your H is having a hard time doing it now? Okay, have patience with him, absolutely. But not at your own demise. If he were still a WAS, then I'd say: Hang in there until you're done. But to come back and say he wants to work on your M ... and then actively avoid doing the very things you've told him you'd need him to do to help you work through this ... is just careless.

So back to my question: Have you gone out with him lately? STRIKE the conversations of money or kids. Schedule date-nights that are specifically free of conversations about affairs, jobs, kids or money. (Scary, eh? Because if you're anything like me, you're thinking: "Okay, Train. Then WHAT will we talk about?!?" It's a challenge, believe me. But TRY it!) This is about you two. Finding your spark again. Focusing on the two people who CREATED a family. (You had to love each other before you created your kids; you HAD to have something you talked about before kids and finances came into play ...)

And - more importantly - have you told him what you NEED? Have you asked for that, point-blank?

If you haven't, it's far past time, sweetie.