1. Counseling for me.... NOT US 2. Creating a "new" environment. 3. Stopping all arguments (ive had to do this one a few times...LOL) 4. Letting go 5. When she gets emotionally argumentive, I just excuse myself and tell her that I have to go (take that mirror off me) 6. Truly doing my 18's0 for ME... 7. Controlling what I can control. 8. Stopped my own little pity party... (get your balls back!!!, LOL) 9. and most important.....OWNING MY PART IN THIS!!!! 10. NO SEX WITH HER (if that's even an option) or for you with anyone else!!!
I am always floating "something" (very subtly at first) to take the temp of her emotional state. I have written emails (check my other threads), requesting things that I can do to work on me.. not US. and then I replied by telling her how I felts, trying to balance I and US vs. you.
Prior to our S, I was a balless little sap due to my own insecurities, and lack of leadership in our relationship. I started by setting boundaries, letting her know what was and what wasn't acceptably behavior (I filed... not her). I started with PMA's and realizing, that as a man, I lost control of ALL aspects of my marriage. I am not trying to be a sexist, but women are looking for a MAN... not s wuss. I am not saying by any means being an A#$hole to your W... But to take charge and be the man. My wife is now open to me taking her out to a chick flick (nothing I ever would have ever done before) and going out for drinks. She also wants to help me pick out furniture for my bedroom, because she hates the set that she moved out with..LOL.
If you are still emotionally charged towards each other, empathize with her feelings. Honestly try to put yourself in her shoes and validate verbally to her that you understand how she may feel (that was big for us) and do not keep saying it and do NOT keep apologizing... She heard you the first time!!! Just let her know you are aware of her feelings and let it go..
Then Create and keep up the new and comfortable environment.. I started with very short texts about the kids followed by a "smiley" EVERYTIME we texted. eventually she do it back. when we were not arguing about stuff during texts, we stared talking more in person... Keeping up that new environment (even though I am still dying inside). I am constantly making myself that guy that she is questioning herself for leaving.
I also initially made the big mistake about talking about the issues WAY too soon... She wasn't ready... But I kept, and keep hitting the reset button when I get a negative feed back.
Questions for you....
Does she still smile at you??? Are your interactions just transactions? Are you being confident and not cocky around her? Are you waiting for her to text or call you (you should be) About anything other than S11? Are you keeping this a private matter around your friends and family? (she will know if youre not)
Theres a lot more... Good luck Brother.. I am Praying for your guys right now...
you didn't get into this jam overnight and you wont get out of it that soon either... Keep your chin up... Be a great dad, keep up the PMAs, work on you, and make yourself the person she would be a fool to leave.
I also posted a little bit about forgiveness... here it is. This is for you!!!
