Really too late....

[lost18]

I think I've determined that it's not so much that I'm ready to let go of my M, I just don't know if I have it in me to continue this way. I feel the past 2 days H has either been in more contact with OW or just not trying to hide it as much. I was so angry that I could feel my face and skin burning. At any rate, I don't know if I'm strong enough to continue. I tried to set boundaries in regards to him communicating with ow while we are home, that doesn't seem to have worked. It's like clockwork lately, between 4-430 he goes out to the garage and several times I've gone out there and he's on his phone. I can't prove that he is communicating with ow and if I try to reenforce my boundary it will start a fight. I'm stuck.

I really don't know how so many lbs have done this for so long. I feel more disrespected than I ever have in my life. I have an IC appt tomorrow, it helps but I wish she understood the DB principles. I went and bought another DR, read thru some parts in the bookstore first. I'm feeling down and like I definitely fall into the category that no matter what I do H is done.

I know I backslid quite a bit the last few days, I know there are things that even before that I wasn't doing very well. Especially with the expectations. I've been doing a lot of reading and listening to podcasts, it does make me more positive. Sorry for being such a downer lately, just trying to figure out what to do.