[BrightFuture]

So, like I said, I was thinking when to return home. One of the reasons was that I made up my mind to leave things for H in the house and was OK with him coming in and picking them up. Once I did that, I came to another conclusion that it was actually better for me, because I didn’t want to see H this time. Funny, how things change, LOL. I was hoping that he would stop by a day before to pick up his stuff. I didn’t tell him when I would be back from the vacation home, and thought that he would actually not worry of me being in the house on Sunday, because I would normally come back home later in the evening.

Well, I came home yesterday, and his stuff was still in the house. I was a bit upset. So, then I thought that he normally drives from here to the vacation home early in the morning, so I stayed in bed until 10 thinking that he would come in, see the dog, realize that I’m home, pick up his stuff and quietly leave, just like he did last year. Nothing happened after 10, so I got up and was going on as usual about my day. Surprisingly, I was calm and not anxious at all. So, after 12 in the afternoon I got a phone call. It was H asking me if I was in the house and if he could stop by to pick up his mail and drop off some stuff. Ha, somebody clearly informed him that I was home. I know who that somebody is, my mutual friend. H came in with the card in his hands and told me that it was a card for me, my son and his GF with a couple of gift cards for them.

His mail was on the table. He picked it up, but was not in a hurry to leave. I can’t remember what the conversation started with, I think with a question about my time at vacation home. I told him that I had a great time, except it was a little cold for the beach walks. Then out of nowhere he asked about a guy and his son (22 old boy with Asperger’s, who is more like a 6 or 7 year old) who were at the Christmas dinner at my friends as well. I guess he knew about that too. So, we chatted about that. This guy is a pastor and very religious (my H is not.) H told me that last year they went driving around the vacation place looking at the house decorations, etc. This guy and his son were invited too, but they didn’t really fit the crowd of H’s friends, who brought beer and drinks on the bus. H actually mentioned quite a few names of his drinking buddies, which was kind of interesting. Like he wanted me to approve, or keeping me in a loop of his friends. I know these people too, but I’m not close with them. Not my cup of tea. But we did cracked some jokes that only two of us could make.

Then we chatted more, and more. Then he started going through his mail saying that he will get rid of the junk mail now instead carrying it with him. While he was looking though his mail, we continued to chat.

He asked me about how my job was going. Wow! Something new. And then he listened to me talking about how great my job is and some details about it.

Forgot to mention that I received an e-mail from him yesterday, telling me that before he saw my e-mail with the company file, he did some reconciliation and also paid himself more money. He apologized that I had to do more work paying taxes and also re-instate the records that were in my update and that are now overwritten by his changes.

When he was here this afternoon he apologized more. I didn’t say anything about more work for me, instead we just talked about the company account and taxes. He said that this year was a very bad year for him. I sympathized and said that I hope the next year will be better. To which he said that “it is got to be, it cannot be worse than this”.

I also had a box with some old manuals and company related books for H to take with him. (I started cleaning my office again.) He looked inside and decided that he didn’t need those and took them to the garbage.

He also asked me if I had a small cooler he could borrow for two Marie Calendar’s pies he was taking with him. I said that I don’t have a cooler, except the one I’m using when I go to the vacation home. Last year I gave him a small cooler for something else, and it remained in the vacation home. Does he think I have endless supply of coolers when he needs them, LOL? He then went to the garage to look if there was a styrofoam one. I said that I doubt it, but I didn’t stop him from going in there. It looked like he was curious about what was in the garage and used that excuse.

Then he asked about a picture of him, his brother and their uncle on the golf course. He proceeded to look through the pictures I have on the piano stand. I said that there should not be any pictures of him because I removed them all and can’t remember where I put them. He still looked through the pics. He said that he wanted some picture to start putting them in the condo. (Haha, I just removed some and put them in the drawer over there.) I told him that I will look and if I find that specific one, I will save it for him.

So, it looked like H was not hurrying out of the door like last time. He actually wanted to chat and he was relieved that I wasn't cold, didn't push him away and was open for the conversation.

I tried to look into H’s eyes to see if there are any feeing. I don’t think I saw anything at all. But, I could not take a good look because he is wearing glasses now. He looked exactly the same, wearing the same old clothes, worn out jeans, t-shirt and a ball cup.

He asked me if I am going to New Year’s party at my sister’s (as usual), and asked me to say hi to everybody. He also said that he will try to text on the New Year’s Eve.

Here is what I gathered from this:
- H didn’t try to avoid me this time (or at least the chain of circumstances make me believe this)
- He was not in a hurry to leave the house
- He came on Sunday afternoon when all the neighbors were home, so it didn’t bother him if people would see him here
- He asked me about my job
- He talked about the vacation home like something we just naturally share and continue to share
- He told me some details about his friends and what they did last year
- We talked like in old times, it was weird after all this time apart
- There are no feelings of anything in H’s eyes (at least I didn’t notice), but he looked me strait in the eyes
- He didn’t give me a hug when he was leaving
- His card was addressed to me, my son and his GF. There was not a separate card for me this year.
- There was no conversation about any legal stuff, like D, finances, or even personal taxes
- He didn’t want anything else from the house, except for the picture (His wooden chests, including the one with engraved words of love from his step-father to his Mom, are still here, and he didn’t ask for them. And I forgot to ask if he wanted to take them… again… Is this a sigh, hehe?)


Me? Like I said, I surprised myself today. I was calm and relaxed. I treated him like a friend. I actually caught myself thinking that I’m not in love with this man standing in front of me. What I’m still in love with then? The man he was before? With my old life, with good memories? It is all gone now. And I’m trying so hard to push the memories away too, it is just so painful.

Sorry for the long post. H’s visits happen about twice a year and I had to journal it before I forget all the details.