It's funny now that I think back on it my H has been boozing, partying and womanizing since BD. The pattern started a bit before BD. He's trying to keep up with his new peers at the office, but this is not the H I knew before. He was the type to go home early from a party. I don't think he can keep this up for much longer but honestly I didn't think he could keep it up this long.
My H keeps telling me he is unhappy. He has said that he is unhappy ad lonely and confused so many times since BD. He even looks unhappy. But at the same time he does not ask me to reunite. I don't understand this. Is he waiting for me to say something? Is he still unsure what he wants? I have not probed more deeply into what his unhappiness stems from or what his confusion is about. Perhaps he is not even upset over me, but the fact that OW1 rejected him...
It's funny, I saw him and was so disgusted, but since then I can't stop thinking about him. I even want to reach out to him whereas a week ago I didn't even feel like responding to his messages. I know that I should not reach out. That I should sit tight and wait and see what he does next.
I guess a part of me sees his behavior and recognizes the pain he is in and the suffering he is experiencing as part of this crisis and I want to talk to him, to help him, to advise him. I know I cannot but the urge is there. A part of me still cares for him and wants to help. But I know I cannot help, that I am the last person who should help.
I need to just focus on myself, my own life and my own happiness. And I am. I have a great full life with lots of friends and activities. But this situation is like a black cloud that is following me around.
Oh and after all my advice to Mozza and others about not looking at facebook, I looked at his page. Well, once a month isn't so bad right? I saw some photos of him at recent parties. He actually looked okay in the photos. I wondered if that scary skinny sad demon I saw the other day was only a reflection of my mind?
I'm getting pretty scared about New Years Eve. We always had the most romantic new years together and I am scared I will be severely depressed no matter what I do. Trying to find a way to do something completely different but it is difficult. Taking a trip would be a good idea but I can't make that happen right now unfortunately.
Just venting here guys, sorry to bore you with my thoughts. I hope everyone is having a nice weekend!
I saw some photos of him at recent parties. He actually looked okay in the photos. I wondered if that scary skinny sad demon I saw the other day was only a reflection of my mind?
