Separated and Need HELP!

[melissag]

Faith, it is really hard for me to read your posts, because I remember feeling and saying the same things early on, and I remember how much I was hurting and struggling. I know how you feel, and it is AWFUL. It hurt like nothing else. And I am sorry that you are going through this. But, you have to take care of you. Being a victim is not taking care of you or your S8.

I said it before, you didn't respond, and I'll say it again. You need to stop focusing on everything your H does and says, and start focusing on you. You will find that as long as you try to stay inside his head, you will spin forever. Once you get some space from him, and have your own life outside of him, you will be amazed at how much easier this gets. You need to get off his roller coaster.

I agree with the previous posters who say to stop sleeping with him. I slept with my XH for three months after BD. And you know what? He was using me. He strung me along, and I wanted it to mean that we might R, so I believed it. But he never had any intention of anything other than getting D. What he was doing (and he acknowledged this) was getting the best parts of me (which he apparently viewed as sex, ugh it makes me ill) while not having to deal with the expectations and obligations of being married.

I don't know what your H is doing or thinking, or whether someday you might R, but if he is telling you this is only sex and it doesn't mean anything, I think you need to take that at face value. Is that OK with you? Is it OK that you've been demoted as his W, and he treats you like crap, but he still wants to sleep with you?

I think that DBing is a great tool, but it doesn't mean that you just let someone walk all over you and throw all your feelings and self respect out the window. Faith, you need to get some boundaries in place to protect yourself. You cannot count on your H to protect you anymore. From what I have read, everything he does has been self serving . . . your needs/desires are completely discounted. You cannot make him think or act differently, but you can make YOU think or act differently. That is when you are going to stop spinning.