Busting this Divorce - 90 Days NC #2

[Sotto]

HP, you're a man after my own heart today! I feel my PMA has taken a nose dive lately. I felt I was doing so well before Xmas, but then I had the flu, and I haven't felt quite right since, and I moved into my own place and was all excited about it, but it is hard living alone again.

I haven't even had any negative interractions with H to prompt it. I think it is just depths of winter blues and the generally horrible sitch. Like you, I need to get the GAL and PMA going again, but sometimes it just feels like pushing a rock up a mountain.

We'll get there though HP - day at a time...hope you enjoyed your run ;-)

[Starsky309]

...

Text from W... "HP, I said awful things to you today. Just terrible. I don't recognize the woman who behaved that way. I so sorry for speaking to you like that. I am deeply ashamed of myself. You don't deserve that from me.
I hope you can excuse my behavior. It won't happen again."


Is there nothing I can say to her? Just another truth dart in exchange for more horrible spew?

Yes, I would. Something like "(Wife), you have said this several times now. As we both teach (S11), talk is cheap. Actions are what count, and you keep repeating these actions over and over. If you are truly sorry, that won't happen again. That CAN'T keep happening again and again. "

[Dawn70]

HP...you are AMAZING! You are really doing great dealing with your S and our W. You are a real inspiration. Thanks for that!

[HPoirot]

HP, you're a man after my own heart today! I feel my PMA has taken a nose dive lately. I felt I was doing so well before Xmas, but then I had the flu, and I haven't felt quite right since, and I moved into my own place and was all excited about it, but it is hard living alone again.

I haven't even had any negative interractions with H to prompt it. I think it is just depths of winter blues and the generally horrible sitch. Like you, I need to get the GAL and PMA going again, but sometimes it just feels like pushing a rock up a mountain.

We'll get there though HP - day at a time...hope you enjoyed your run ;-)

Hello Toots. Thank you so much for your post. Yes all this is so horrible but the good things coming from this cannot be denied... most especially connecting with good people like you. You deserve better and I know you can get your PMA soaring again soon.

About living alone... I know what you mean. If this was just a separation then this could more easily be fun. Just go explore life. It, unfortunately, isn't that easy for us but we can do it.

For example... I did go for my run today thank you. It was my first one since all this began. I used to run 7-10 miles almost everyday and loved it for stress relief. Today I just ran and, at first, hated it. Didn't want to do it. Usual terrible thoughts in my head. A different and lonely route than my usual. No attractive women runners around like I'm used to. Maybe did 3 miles. At the end I had a sweat going and felt a little better. But I did it and now I can keep going. A little better everyday. Baby steps.

Tomorrow morning I'll run in the woods with my son. Go find those cats. Whatever it takes to feel better.

Just keep going.

I'm with you Toots.

We will make it.

[Vanilla]

HP

This spew stuff isn't easy. I know I get a lot of it. Unfortunately it isn't always about teaching someone how to behave towards you.

It could be that W is drinking or losing control through other means, so care in watching for that.

Please ensure that you keep a sample of the spew, especially voicemails and over time to establish a pattern. My L was astounded at my recordings of H abuse and this may be important when your sitch is reviewed. This is precautionary for you and I hope that you may not need it, but it is good if you have this. You can download it as MP3 and provide to L if like me you don't want this in your possession.

No matter what your needs then S cannot be let with an abusive mother. Your close relationship with S is very strong so you can judge if he is at risk.

It is truly awful to be the subject of this but I believe it is occurring because you are getting stronger and stronger. Take the high road and be civil and overly polite but as Starsky says enforce boundaries.

I find this comes in waves and usually matches H drinking patterns. I will not be abused and my boundary is "when you speak to me in this way H, then I donot want to connect or communicate with you and if you Swear/abuse me then I will hang up the phone/walk out of the room/ go elsewhere".
Your boundary will be different of course.

HP you are doing really well indeed.
Rest and GAL
Vanilla

[HPoirot]

Journaling....

This evening was good and bad with S11...

Both good and bad was today I did not hear from W at all. She dropped S11 off at the condo building and left. Did not call me... did not text. Today is the first time since this started she has done that. It's what I want so that's good. It's what I don't want so that's bad. It's what I have to accept if I'm to move on. I want a better life and the person she is now is not a part of that. Still... well you know.


Really bad was S11's mood. I admit I did not take S11 out to GAL tonight. I surrendered to sadness and I slept most of the afternoon to avoid it. S11 played his video games. Then he came to me very sad. We sat together and I held him. Told him we would be fine. Got him busy cleaning the condo with him. It helped my mood too. I see I have to keep PMA for him too.

Later, though, I came into his room and didn't see him. I called for him and he answered. He was under the bed. I asked him what he was doing. He said he wanted to be alone. He was so sad. I wanted to cry. I cheered up, got him out, kept him busy, warmed his dinner and we watched a funny movie together. Wrestled with him and talked with him. Assured him that it's me and him and we;ll be OK and happy. I won't leave him. Now he's cheery again.

I felt hurt though to see him like this. Very badly. I encouraged him again to tell his mom how he's feeling like he tells me. She apparently tells him maybe we'll get back together. She didn't tell him she would not see him on his birthday. I don't wan to believe it, but she shows on some level she is done with both of us. I must protect him from that.

At the same time... she should know from him the damage she's causing him. On the other hand... a part of me wants him to detach from his mom like I am working to. She's acting like a dangerously damaged person. I'm saving every screaming VM and text Vanilla. I hate this.

Tonight I'm encouraging S11 to journal his feelings. He's a creative boy so hopefully it helps him and helps me understand his feelings. I've asked him to draw or write using his new computer. I love him very much.

On another note, I see my doctor on Monday for antidepressants. I'm looking forward to it b/c I'm still not consistently strong mentally. Today was tough emotionally and I slept this afternoon and admittedly drank tonight to cope. I know the best thing to do is to do something interesting. W got S11 a model for Christmas so this week I will help him build it.

Just keep going.

[mvg]

You inspired me again HP! Took S4 on a long hike in the woods today, it was awesome. Gave him my SLR camera for the first time, he couldn't put it down.

[HPoirot]

Hello Dawn and Vanilla. Just wanted to say thank you for your support. It is wonderful to hear you say I'm doing a good job with handling all this. It's b/c often I don't feel that way. It's interesting how you can look at another sitch and it all makes sense while in your own sitch you may feel lost. I know I do.

I do feel like I'm handling the day to day ok enough. As I did not hear from her at all today for the first time, I'm expecting now I'll hear from W much less if at all since I made it clear I don't appreciate her panic angry calls. That will eliminate my tension with her contacts. We'll see how that goes.

I'm still down on my R with W though. Despite S11's pain and my feeling that me and W have a bond... she seems very invested in the painful path she's on now and very angry with me and surprisingly not seeing S11 on Christmas and his birthday. Nothing I can do there though I still feel pain about that. Just have to do better finding joy in the here and now and cut who she is now from my life. I can do that.

Tomorrow with S11 going for a hike, breakfast at the dinner, and maybe a visit to the rack climbing gym. Day #14 of NC with W. Maybe day #2 of zero contact with W.

Just keep going.

[Vanilla]

HP

Allow S his own way with W.

S is eleven, you will be adding extra stress by encouraging him to expose his feelings to W. He trusts you, he talks to you. W is wayward, inconsistent and has been less than truthful. Would you as S really want to be open to W?

S is very brave to talk to HP about all of this, and he knows you are proud of him?

Let S work his way with W, it will be as it will be. If S is in any stress he will tell you, listen validate hug and love.

Just validate his feelings, don't acknowledge a thing W says to him, just note it as said and you are sure she loves him.

Boundaries on the care of S are yours to address with W, but not S feelings unless he agrees. s should always know when you have discussed his sitch with W and the result (as far as you can). Schedules are adult stuff but S does have some options too. As many as you can make, a walk or a film? pizza or curry? A hug or a fight? Blue or black pjs? A sleepover or a snooze fest?

Oh and a GAL schedule please!

HP it may not feel like you are doing well to you, but I really see this differently.
Vast changes in HP and so much anger replaced with love. It brims over, the sad times are part of that too but they grow us as loving adults.
Better days each day
Vanilla

[HPoirot]

Thank you Vanilla. I struggle with W not knowing or seemingly ignoring S11's feelings.

Before S11 was really W's everything. She tried hard to be a great mom... read all kinds of books on ADD... Was the lead in parent programs at his school... drove him everywhere... cried a lot over him. I did see how she got buried under all that, wanted more help on the hard stuff from me, and felt not at all like a woman dealing with it all. She would say now and then that she was not a good mom.

Now she's not interested to do what's very best for him... just whatever will work so she can do what she's doing.

She has not contacted him since she dropped him off yesterday afternoon. Not even her usual good morning text. And S11 did not want to call her last night when I asked him to. I guess I should just let that continue.

I wanted this... to not hear from her at all... and now it's here. It's the way I get better and maybe the way S11 gets better too.

Today we went for a hike in the woods. Saw the cats which he really loves.

I had a real panic moment, though, when I lost sight of him and he didn't respond to my yelling his name. We we're all alone in the woods... and for a few seconds I really thought he had been taken. I was running and yelling his name. He had gone off to find the cat he really likes. He didn't think to call back to me. Very very scary for me. That would have been too much.

This afternoon I thought we might go bowling... then go by the old house to do some packing. W may be there. If she is, it would be a good time to practice acting "as if" she's a neighbor that I don't really know. We'll see.

Onward.