New, looking for help. WAW won't communicate.

[okjpc]

I keep cycling through the stages of grief, but seem to be moving more and more towards detaching.

Last night was a pretty good GAL night - spoke at my 12 Step meeting and admitted to a pretty large group for the first time about my S (I had kept this info pretty vague except with a handful of close friends). Then went out for a late night breakfast with a friend from the program.

This next part is a bit embarrassing to admit, but when I got home, by myself and in my home for the first time in days, I called a telephone psychic. I have never done that before and don't necessarily believe in that sort of stuff, but I was restless and desperate for a different perspective on my sitch. I only chose a psychic after doing quite a bit of research and I chose a woman who specializes in broken M readings. She said my WAW definitely loves me, but has no intention of coming back. She is undergoing some kind of psychological breakdown and there is nothing I can do. It will take years for my W to come to terms with and deal with her underlying issues, during which time she will stumble through a number of R's with different people. She is, the psychic said, in a R with someone new right now. She will not file for D anytime soon b/c she is too overwhelmed in her life and can't deal with the reality of a D; however, I shouldn't be encouraged by that. In fact, I should just grieve the loss of the R and move on. I should definitely take the out of town job and within 7 mos, I will be "back in my power".

This may all be total BS, but it did give me some comfort last night. I am tired of hoping against hope for my WAW to come back and/or talk with me. I want to declare this M dead. And I know it says in DB/DR that the old M is, in fact, dead. But I want to stop hoping for a new M with my W. The stress, the pain and disappointment are too much.

Today i have been feeling a physical withdrawal from my W. Like the connecting heart strings are being pulled from my body. It's a feeling beyond detachment - it's more like an extraction.

This probably sounds goofy and I'm sure I'll soon feel embarrassed that I wrote this, but I needed to get this down like a journal entry. Please feel free to break out the 2x4s!