Requesting support and direction

[TLEE86]

Hi Andy, sorry you find yourself in this situation. But this forum is a great place to get advice or even just vent and get it all off your chest before you do/say something you can't recover from with your W. I am by no means an expert on this but here's just my 2cents.

To start with in terms of why I cheated on her back in 2007... Short anwser... I believe it had a lot to do with PTSD/I also have come to terms with the fact that after my deployment I really struggled with depression, only I wouldnt admit it. This contributed to me being a pretty selfish man, and trip up and failed my wife in a lot of different ways. She spent a lot of time over the last few years trying g her best to prop me up and deal with my depressed side.

Ok I can identify with you on this issue. When I got back from Afghanistan, somehow the next year became all about ME and I became an extremely selfish person and was focused 100% on my career. Our M was put on the back burner. This led to me NOT doing all the little things that made my W fall in love with me in the first place. She also spent a lonnnngggg time trying to support me and my career, even though she was hurting herself. So,my question to you is, HOW did you fail your W in "a lot of different ways?" What specifically did you do or not do that led to you failing your W? What are you doing now to change that? What are your 180s?

Last year my W started to get closer to her work partner as he was going through a D/She detailed her affair and feelings about him there/The affair ended in Feb by her work partner, and she began an online EA with someone from Australia who she fell in love with/In the spring I found out that her affair with her partner had been physical, something she had denied/By end of Aug she had met someone new online (Australian again) and entered into another EA.

Again, your W is looking for something, someone to fill a void that YOU left in her. Identify what this void is. What did you do or not do to make your W continue to go looking for something somewhere else other than you? After you found out about the first PA/EA, did you ever ask yourself, WHY did my W do that and what can I do differently to make her stop?

She moved out of the MBR in Sept. and lives in spare room in basement. She was looking for an apartment, to move out.

I am reading DR and have Read most of DB. I started to do some DB techniques at the beginning of DEC and have seen some slight changes mainly using LRT, being polite, and expressing affirmative words where I can. I have read 5 LL and believe she is affirmative words, I’m quality time.

Ok to be completely honest, I am very jealous of people whose WAW's are still living with them- yes the grass is always greener, I don't know if this is true or not. But you have the best opportunity to show your WAW your changes and she is always observing you, whether you know it or not. Small things, that you probably stopped doing over your M, like always looking nice instead of wearing the same pair of sweats all the time at home, wearing cologne, shaving on the weekend (or not, whatever you/she likes), all this stuff is stuff she will notice. Have you bought yourselves some new clothes yet? Not telling you to do this, but IMHO, it is one of the easiest ways for your W to notice something new, different about you. The few times I have seen my W since all this started 3 months ago, she always complimented me on my new clothes. Any interaction you still have with your W, make sure it is always cordial and polite, and anything you used to do that isn't very good, STOP and STFU. Or write it on here- i am actually about to vent myself after writing this to you. Do NOT ever yell or scream at your W. Obviously, if she is still in an A, you have to set your boundaries which someone else might be able to help you with (sorry, no experience here), but do not ever get into a pissing match with her because no matter how right you are, you are always gonna be wrong.

I have seen some progress we have started talking a bit more/There has been little to no talk in D since the first of this month. She appears to have put on hold moving out too, but I think that was under the advisement of her lawyer.

Ok talking more is always, IMHO, a good sign. But do NOT push for more. This is something I struggle with ALLLLL the time. If you read my thread, I seem to never be satisfied with what I have with her lately, but these are times where I need to STFU because pushing for more will lead to no where.

RE: no talk of D since the first of this month. Ok great. Again, in my opinion, the word Divorce should never even come out of your mouth if thats not what you want.

Who cares why she didn't move out. SHE DIDNT MOVE OUT! Again, you have a great opportunity to show your W your changes. Make the best of it. Take that high ground.

Hope this helps