Stop worrying about the future, you don't know what tomorrow will bring so stop worry about tomorrow, enjoy today if today is the day your WAS wants to talk with you and share a drink or a meal with you or wants to do something with you & the kids. Be humble and appreciate the time you have with them, don't hasten the process and demand that things have to change and that you need to reconcile at this moment. Consider this a form of dating even if it isn't officially labeled as such. Stop forcing your spouses to have to be with you. If you have to force someone to love you and be with you, do you really want to be with those people? If those same WAS's make moves towards you, to communicate, to spend time with you & your children, to come over, to share a meal, etc. Enjoy that time you have with them, celebrate a success internally with yourself that you were able to accomplish something of such a grand nature when this WAS originally left you and never wanted to interact with you anymore. Stop asking for more, start appreciating what you have and stop believing that you deserve more than what you have - truth be told no one deserves anything, you get what you get in life because you placed yourself on that path to get the results you received. Stop believing you are entitled to something, entitlement breeds resentment and that will lead you down a path of anger & disappointment and poor results.
OK. So I think my H does want to do some of these things. He accepts every invitation I have made (or pretty close). He was really angry when I said no to his invitation to Christmas Eve dinner. He has (probably unconsciously) used language to make it seem like the door to R is still open.
I am not capable of walking through that open door at this time. I'm not trying to hold on to all the hurt, but I did suppress a TON of it for a really long time while I was begging and pleading and now I have to experience it and put off meeting him where he is because I can't get there at this time.
Christmas Day was much harder on me than I realized at the time. When he walked out the door I felt relieved that I had made it through as calmly as I had. Was as friendly to him as I would have been to a neighbor visiting (maybe slightly less).
The fact is that my pain is part of today. I would like the door to be open for the future but at the moment I think I have other fish to fry. I won't be able to enjoy his company or whatever as this excerpt describes while I'm still processing through my own feelings about the relationship. I'm just not that good.
I think the IC I have the appointment with isn't going to be a good fit. I already don't feel confident about her. I think I'd like to cancel that appointment and keep looking around for someone who sounds strong and confident. I don't think this is me avoiding my issues. I think this is me trying to avoid getting burned for the 3rd time.
Am I on the right track again?
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
