Busting a Move - LisaB Ch6

[Sotto]

Hi Lisa

Reading your sitch this week has helped me a lot. I think you show a great deal of strength and insight in adversity, and all of that says volumes (of good things!) about you.

"Indeed, I feel he is searching for love that will save him from loneliness and give his life meaning. I think if he finds that love he will 'change back' to the sweet and wonderful guy."

This comment chimed with me. My H has said something similar to me - that the main thing was having love in his life, and there being a great hole of loneliness right in the middle of his heart. But I think what my H doesn't see was that this love was right there under his nose all of the time!

You say that finding that love may change him back to the lovely sweet guy he was. I'm not sure about that at all. My H is frantically pursuing this 'love' with an OW who seems really unsuitable and is still on/off involved with an OM. It doesn't seem like the road to happiness, and I think the big error is seeking that love (affirmation) from someone else - particularly in these circumstances, where you are being unfaithful and abandoning a loving wife. Our WAS's need to look within - but that feels very scary and painful - and so they don't do that.

BD for me was in July, so we are almost 5 months now with very little movement. In the first couple of months, we talked a lot and I was his 'friend.' Crunch time for me was when he started confiding to me how OW was not very nice to him, and was distant with him sometimes. I couldn't be his confidante in that way and I told him so. After that I dropped the rope and went NC. We haven't spoken for 3 months now, and he has told others our R is over - although he hasn't told me. I just find it all really weird.

I have struggled with many of the things you seem to have struggled with. Should I be a friend? Should we stay in touch? Should we do stuff together? Should I be NC etc. Others have commented that my sitch seems a bit 'stuck' right now, and I'm going to reassess things in the new year. But it's hard for me to see that anything is going to make any difference right now.

I'll keep following your sitch anyway and see how things go with you. Your H certainly sounds as though he doesn't have much 'good' to offer you right now, and it sounds like the right thing to withdraw and live your own 'calmer' life. But who knows how things will be going forwards eh?

Best wishes to you anyway! Toots x