What the?

[BFloat]

wow. I can't believe it's been 3 years post bd. so much has changed and yet so much remains the same. I haven't posted in ages and I think partly it was because I didn't know what to say. I often felt I should stop whining and just get over it. But there are so many things that run through your mind.. So many things you need to say.. That friends and family have long stopped listening to.. If that makes any sense.

H and I have been separated for about 3 years now. No formal separation papers.. No talk about D.. I'm not sure whether this is because I'm scared that it will really finalize things or whether it's just because there doesn't seem to be a need at the moment. There are moments where i feel like punching him out and think.. I NEED A D! But the after the moment, I just leave it to rest.

We live separate lives.. Cordial.. Friendly.. He has been good with money.. I have the kids full time with him taking the kids every other weekend. We try and accommodate if the other has to work... It's all very weird. For ex. This Christmas.. Big family dinner at my mom's and he is there also.

I really don't know what the heck I'm doing. I was dating for a while but one day I realized.. I wanted to be alone rather than with any of these guys. I don't know if it's just because I haven't met the right one.. Or whether I am destined for spinsterhood. I have periods of extreme sadness that I am alone but then have moments where I feel.. Thank goodness I'm alone rather than be weighed down by someone who didn't love me.

But for the most part I know I'm a better person today. Stronger.. Kinder.. I recognize how much I value empathy.. Integrity.. And so I try to I still these in my kids. Some days i feel I totally suck as a parent but then there are others where I feel I'm doing ok.

Ok.. Some weirdness I have been wanting to just vent about and say.. What the???? H was telling me how he had taught the kids to cast a fishing line (because his mom had given the kids fishing poles on her last visit).. And then he said to me "you should get a fishing pole" to which I said "why???". And he said "so we can go fishing". It's these type of things where I need to just say what the???????