It's been awhile, but I thought worthwhile to post because I think my situation is improving the way many hope when they begin DB-ing. My W has changed very much. I no longer feel that she is looking elsewhere. She has changed from several years ago -- she is more interested in friendship, physical activity, new experiences, etc., but she is no longer thinking about divorce, new guys, and she is no longer focused on meeting mid-life.
I am posting this because I think my story is a success, and many successes are not posted here because when things go well, people feel good and no longer post to this forum.
I no longer feel the anxiety that I felt before, but I do think by DB-ing, I expect more from a relationship, and for this I am looking for more. My W is is definitely coming down from a MLC. She now includes me in things, she no longer seeks distance from me, and many other positive advances. In fact, she wore her wedding ring for the first time in several years this past week. I was lying in bed near her night-stand where she keeps her jewelry. She showed me a ring a girlfriend from Saudi Arabia gave her. A big gold ring with an arabic symbol on it. She said how she wanted to wear this to a party. I must have made a face because part of her not wearing the wedding ring was not wearing any ring. The next day when we went to a Christmas party, she wore our wedding ring. I did not remark on it, although I noticed. The next day we went to another Christmas party, and I remarked on her wearing the ring, saying, "I always liked that ring." One of my DB-ing goals was her wearing her ring.
Other changes is that she wants me to go with her. I am no longer excluded, but included. She doesn't behave as if it is the end of the world when family events intrude on her social life.
With that said, MLC has changed her. She is less "warm and cosy" than before, she is more interested in an active social life than before. I think my lesson is that MLC does change the person. They will not be the same as before.
Things are not perfect. I think what bothers me most is that it seems that many things she did during the height of MLC she forgets or does not admit. No big apologies. If you're going through a spouse with MLC, my advice is don't expect that they will come out the same as when they went in. Also, don't expect recognition of the process.
What do I have left? I've changed from DB-ing where you don't acknowledge many of their behaviors to where I ask for what I want. What we have not done yet is have a discussion of where we are. We have not had any deep discussions of our relationship. I am waiting for the right time. I guess I learned DB-ing so well, but I have not learned piecing very well.
Other positives I have noticed is the Christmas gifts I have received, my wife's love language is gifts, and one of my indicators has been what she has gifted me. During the height of MLC it was very poor, in fact, an after thought. This Christmas she spent way too much on me, and she obviously thought about me. This was a positive.
Other changes about MLC is that my wife is less interested in sex. I think part of MLC was her interest in sex, in terms of being attractive to other men -- i.e., being young and attractive. This carried over into our relationship. She is less interested in sex now, and seems to accept many of the changes in getting old (e.g., joint pain, weight gain, ...).
I use this forum partly as a journal of where I've been. Also, since I've recieved so much good advice, I want to give back. I hope others find some good nuggets in my posts.
