Angry WAH blames me for everything.......(2)

[Calibri]

....I feel like the deck is stacked against me.

The longer this plays out, the more and more I realize that this isn't all about me. H has said for a solid month that all the blame he threw at me when he left, that he didn't mean and was speaking out of anger, and has been apologizing all over himself (via text message) about the spew. We aren't talking on the phone, but he's been trying to do a phone call for three weeks.

I do feel, however, that 50% of what he said had merit. Those are things I'm working on. There are others, that I scratch my head with and have no idea. I do feel, that sometimes, anger holds truths for people.

Anyway, it's becoming evident that there's a lot of issues. Some with me, some with our R, some with his parents, a lot with himself.

But, the anger. The anger is still there. And I'm getting the brunt off it. He's a loose cannon. I can't tell via text when he's pissed off because his texting becomes erratic and I try to end my end of the convo quickly. He keeps wondering why I'm triggering his anger. I can't help but wonder if it's because I'm the only person he's having genuine conversations with.

But where I feel the cards are stacked against me:

H feels like I'm triggering his anger. Maybe so, maybe not. He's in a place where he feels he can't control his emotions or his anger and thus, finds it hard to even conceive a R, because of his current situation. I asked, out of curiosity, if his IC was working with him to manage and work through the feelings. Apparently they're only focusing on identifying why. Which makes sense, but I wish, for H's sake that he had some tools that would make him feel more in control. But, that's not my journey to take.

H feels that if he could get ever get his anger under control, he would still have to learn how to communicate - and that to him is a daunting task.

H feels that he's being verbally abusive towards me and is very upset with himself because his actions very early in BD made me feel unsafe. I no longer feel that way now, but H has taken this to heart and feels he has to put distance between us. He told me that all he wants is for me to be "happy and safe."

I admire him, for having the honesty to say everything that he's said and to show vulnerability. But, I can't help but wonder if he's going to convince himself that the situation is insurmountable and will do the noble thing and "let me go to protect me." Do I feel he's being verbally abusive? Not any more. Do I fear for my safety? No.

But obviously, there's something within him that makes him worry. I asked him, if he felt that a situation would escalate to a physical altercation, and he said no. But that he didn't want to even put us in a situation where it could happen, because he could never live with himself if he were to harm me.

What I get from all of this? And maybe I'm interpreting it wrong, but I do think that he loves me. I think that he deeply loves me, but is deeply confused and conflicted. This has evolved from - everything is your fault to, everything is not your fault but you piss me off to, why the hell am I so pissed off?

And while, I have to admit that it's nice to no longer be seen as the big bad wolf. I can't help but think that now that the house has been blown down, there won't be anything to rebuild.