Maybell XXV: Moving Toward the Lighthouse

[Maybell]

I used to like him a lot. He stopped sharing himself with me. When D11 was a toddler. Then I had to remind him to spend time with me and try to be connected. It just got harder and harder. There were periods when things were close but they're hard to believe in now. Now I don't even know how to connect anymore because I'm so hurt that he refused to turn towards me in the marriage and then had the affair and made it seem like I was boring and uninspiring and that he can't feel passion for me. And I was so lonely and he just wouldn't try to connect with or cherish me. Wouldn't take me with him on any of the amazing places he went. Wouldn't try to do more than dinner and a movie when we did go out. He taught me to love baseball when we were newly married but after d11 was born never took me to another game, in spite of my asking, till she was 8 or 9.

I *want* to like him and believe in him. I *want* to forgive him for everything that went with the affair. There was so much pain dished out during that year-plus.

I'm maybe being irrational about the gift. Maybe he's trying to say something to me. When I did yoga really intensively he said it "made a huge difference" but he didn't spend a lot of time with me then so I don't know that it made any difference. I was put off by the "master the art of letting go" emblazoned on the front of the box. I'm doing the best that I can.