Busting a Move - LisaB Ch6

[Mozza]

LisaB - You were right when you mentioned how our WAS are similar, in that they adopted the party lifestyle when they left us. Yours seem to be much deeper into it tough and that is somewhat worrying. It's hard not to feel responsible for someone who was so close to us, right? Perhaps you felt responsible for him, in the M? I note that you expect him to get better if he gets into an R with an OW -- again the pattern of someone else saving him.

My experience is that I've worked hard over 9.5 years to help my WAW become more mature, or at least more comfortable in a life that doesn't involve moving country every six months, changing friends every 3 months, not maintaining a healthy love relationship, earning enough money to cover her expenses, etc. I felt responsible for her learning. Deep down, she never really changed. Now I realize that it never came from inside of her, so she never really learned it. She thinks it's my view of life, rather than the simple reality. So she's with young adults who don't have kids, until they do, along with a mortgage, a car, in-laws, etc. and become more settled, like we were since we're 5-10 years ahead of them (the older ones at her work place have kids too...). Try to apply this principle to your sitch.

I'm actually not surprised you guys didn't talk together at the party. First, your conversations are awkward. Also, he's surrounded by new people, which is his primary target these days. Finally, you've been avoiding him for a while. I'm mostly surprised he invited you... and that you accepted!

I don't know if I would tell you to run away, but I can observe that you're inching away from him every week. It seems good for you. You're lucky not to have kids with him. He doesn't look like a catch, from here. Your life is very much ahead of you and apparently it wouldn't be so hard for you to meet a better man than him. But in my experience, this is the kind of idea that only you can develop on your own, over time.

Oh and I know that you're concerned but you wouldn't be abandoning him: he left you already. He chose to be this way and he needs to face the consequences, not you, especially given the toll it takes on you. When I told my IC that I was worried about my W, he said "Why aren't you angry at her?" I often think about it.