Busting a Move - LisaB Ch6

[LisaB]

Hi friends!

I met up with the WAH and I have an update of sorts.

Things have taken a turn for the worse I'd say. The good news is that I am managing to conduct myself mostly with calm dignity. The bad news is that he is spiraling into the darkness.

We agreed to meet for a quick meal and then go a small party with some new friends of his from work that I know but not very well. (I was very surprised that he invited me to this considering he was/is sleeping with 1-2 of his coworkers who were not there at the party of course) We ran late and went directly to the party. I'm not sure how it happened but we ended up not speaking at all really for the five hours we were there.

If you follow my story you know that he has been the one who wanted to engage with me, texting me, calling me, asking me to meet. So I found it odd that when I finally agreed to do so he spent the whole time not engaged with me at all.

There was a lot of heavy drinking at the party. Later I found out that he and some other coworkers were also using drugs. This was NOT normal behavior for my H before, not at all. His coworkers are all unable to maintain their relationships, living the party lifestyle and egging each other on to have sex with as many people as possible including other coworkers. They spend all their free time together and drink a lot. It's like being in high school or a fraternity house.

Toward the end of the party he approached me and began complaining about how I haven't been talking with him for weeks and even showed me his phone records to illustrate how I didn't answer his calls and messages. I simply said I had been very busy and thought he had his own life, I shrugged it off. There really was no appropriate reply at the moment - at a party with a bunch of drunk and drugged out people...?

We left the party together and talked for a little while outside before heading home. He complained again about me not speaking with him for weeks. Then he asked "Are you seeing someone? Are you in a relationship?" and I calmly replied "why do you ask? are you seeing someone?" He said "Definitely not." To which I replied that he was dating a lot of women and he said "I'm trying to figure myself out." I'm not sure what that means and I didn't think to ask. Again he asked me if I was seeing someone and said "I asked because I really want to know if you are dating someone." I answered that I am not seeing anyone special. That was the end of the conversation.

He made not one move to touch me all evening. He did not greet me hello or goodbye. I definitely did not try to touch him. I could not look him in the eye, I could barely look at him at all. It made me sick and repulsed to look at him. He looks absolutely terrible. He has lost a lot of weight, isn't shaving or cutting his hair. His clothes hang off of him. At the same time I honestly don't know if he truly looks horrible or if I am just seeing the demons inside him, if that makes any sense. Maybe he looks just fine but I am seeing a person I don't recognize.

When I went home I thanked my lucky stars that I was not him and that I was not with him. I silently thanked him for leaving me so that I could grow better, while he is headed into a downward slide. I felt completely done with him and relieved to not be in a relationship with this creature any more.

The words that played over and over in my mind throughout the whole evening were 'pathetic' and 'disgusting'. The whole thing was just horrible to observe but I didn't feel angry or upset, just disgusted.

The next morning I woke happy to be alone, happy to be me, happy to be *mostly* sane and stable.

But then the next days my thoughts revolve around him. They bounce from shock at what has become of him, worry about his life getting even worse, worry about it getting better if he falls in love with one of his OWs, sadness for the past, missing the old H... all over the map. As the days pass the pathetic image of him I saw at the party is being replaced with the happy sweet H I knew for years.

Of course he has been contacting me since then just being chatty. While I was ignoring him for weeks and that was working pretty well for me, now I actually feel quite guilty to not respond. I know that is silly but he is really in a bad place. Don't worry, I'm not making excuses, just explaining how I feel. I know NC is much better for me and probably for him as well.

The turn in the situation is frightening to me. My H is gone. Maybe dead! Maybe just lost. I don't know.

I'm not really sure what I will do next. Maybe just NC, maybe have a talk with him about going our separate ways.

I feel quite worried about him and almost think I should remain available in some way as a friendly observer. But he does have family and I suppose they can do the watching if I drop the rope.

Friends, thank you for reading. I am sure if you have words of wisdom for me they revolve around running as far and fast as I can. I'm pretty sure that is my instinct but I also have some elements of kind caring and morbid curiosity there too.

Big hugs, Lisa