The Goddess of Goats Dances Through the Solstice

[GoatGal]

Yes---in Cuckoo-Land for sure!

I am still processing my last interactions with the person who used to be my H and is now "GUBU to the Nth Degree"!!!!

I will not write it all now because I am still confused.

But here are some things I will touch on:

* Contradicting himself: "You won't need a cargo box on your vehicle unless you'll be traveling a lot." (Umm... moving out=traveling????)

* "And THAT is why I want a DIVORCE!!!!" (Me close to tears in frustration while trying to deal with a very small issue with him.)

* Him thinking it wasn't worth mentioning that, (while I'm away visiting my hospitalized 87 year old mother), he was going to tear apart my living area in order to "improve" the parts HE thought needed "improving".

* Him acting "put-out" that I might want to be informed of his tearing apart MY living space. And communicating with me about electric outlet placement, WALL placement, little things like that...

* Him getting all "I'm working on my Co-Dependency Issues" by making statements such as "It's not MY responsibility to make everything PERFECT for YOU!!!" (Ok. I agree. How about---not squalid????)

* Me finding my (inherited) deceased Uncle's very expensive Nikon 35 mm camera, light meter, and all accessories dropped into a corner of the basement, covered with sheetrock and dirt. Probably broken. Which he did, carelessly, while working on another project important to HIM, meaningless in the big picture, and not helpful to finishing the house or making my living area less horrific...
...because those things are not as important as him doing "what moves him at the moment" regardless of the outcome....
Heck. If it requires a PLAN or COOPERATION, it must be too complicated. Which means it's probably somehow MY fault.

* Me daring to mention said condition of camera, which I didn't for two weeks, but felt I had to when he admitted he was going to tear apart my living room and relocate my belongings "Somewhere" (there is nowhere to put anything), I was the bad guy for saying anything. Clearly rained on his parade.

* My problem for caring at all. How dare I mention anything which makes him feel bad about himself, however carefully and tactfully I put it? I can't win. Nope. Only can get by if I tell him how wonderful he is. That is the ONLY tack I am "allowed" to take. Period.

* Me going to another state--and about some issues with my mother's car being missing...
...he is all worked up on the phone (DRUNK!!!) stating that I should drive back up north so HE can come down south and kick some a$$--namely the a$$es of the people who are "messing his HIS family!!!" (about the missing car) I just about fell off my chair....

* He's been drunk every night that I can tell... Calls and texts about inconsequential stuff. Saying he's fallen asleep in front of the TV, some halfway synopsis of various movies he fell asleep in the middle of watching.


Just free-falling here, bear with me....

* Me saying "Good luck finding a woman with no emotions." (In response to his "THIS" is why I want a divorce. This--meaning "THE WAY YOU ARE NOW". (Emotional)

* Me saying: "The problem is not MY emotions, it's your inability to handle yours."

* Me shaking, feeling like I was going to faint-- leaving him with his stupid little Christmas gift (nothing from him or anyone, not even a "Merry Christmas")

* Me saying "I wouldn't be surprised if you quit therapy like you always do." Him saying that he's going every two weeks, "not that it's any of YOUR business."


* Me saying that it's not my business, and I couldn't care less, but clearly it's not helping him with his interpersonal relationships. That he still can't talk about anything with me without getting defensive.

* Him saying that he's done a lot of things to help me out--me acknowledging that, yes, he has. And I appreciate it.
(His--by way of JIM!---apologizing. Saying he's trying--in his own way.)

* Me saying that I need to feel emotionally and physically safe with him--and I DON'T. That I don't feel I can depend on him.

* Now he calls me every day that I'm away. Being weird.

* Me--here, looking at areas where I might move, doing the "relocation dance".

* Mom wants me to live in her house indefinitely. (Built-in caregiver/servant/nursemaid)
Ugh. It's HER house. HER life. It would be limbo for me. I don't want to stay here, so why would I? Unless I had to.... More pressure from her....
I love my mother but I've given the last ten years, with help from H.

On my own, I'd be s spinster, living here, isolated...caring for her. That's not what I want for myself and she can do well without me sacrificing what's left of my life to devote it to her.

* GUBU is saying crazy stuff about the animals, about what I'm doing (looking at places I might relocate to after divorce.) He says again that he wants a divorce, but doesn't like me moving forward to plan for myself.
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Honestly----between my mother and my husband, my head is reeling.
I apologize for the "stream of consciousness" writing but I'm not going to edit. Time is short.

I just wanted to dash some thoughts down before they flee my mind.
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Still...not feeling love, or even "like" for H. He is not behaving like someone I would value as part of my life. It's "bare minimum" as far as he's concerned.

He is also acting so wacky on other levels that it scares me.

I keep thinking that I'd be at peace without all this insanity; to be able to construct my own life as I see fit. Without the toxic aspect that H has been adding these last several years.

MLC or not. I don't know if I can outlast this. I don't know if he will ever "see the light"; meaning, I'm a good-hearted woman. I've never done him wrong. I'm cute and kind and attractive and smart and sexy---and if that's NOT "enough", or if it's "too much" for him---then, too bad.

I can't stand here holding the door open for him. My arm is getting tired. There are other things I want to do.

I envision a life for myself which does not include walking on eggshells around someone who I believed cared for me.

If I can't be myself with someone, I'd rather be alone.

And there we are---DBers.

Sorry for the ramble.
Sometimes you just got to get it out.


Your Pal,

The Goat Gal