The Dance of Pursuit and Distance (new)

[GoatGal]

Thanks, job, Cadet---

I guess I was thinking that if I pulled back, H would start to "pursue", rather than act petulant and put-out. I didn't see that as "pursuit", therefore, I didn't recognize the response, as you both did when I described his reaction.

(I tend to miss the obvious, have you noticed? )

Every time I distance myself, this is how he acts; sulky, passive-aggressive, unhelpful... I don't even have a problem with that, except that it appears to push the goal of getting closer/future R further off.

I don't WANT to pursue!

I want him to pursue ME if and when he ever wants me. I think I'm worth the effort.

So I'm fine with no pursuit.

I will take what you said and put it into practice. I'll try withdrawing more and remaining consistent even when he gets snippy and pushes my buttons.

I'll try that consistently and report back. The only other thing left to try is to give him more openings and see if he takes them.
(My "openings" have been very open-ended with no pressure at all, leaving a very easy out for him.)

For the record, I've tried inviting him/getting a little closer.
The result has been that he:
1. Declined and seemed to feel pressured. (No pressure from me.) Stated he was sad and he was a victim of "circumstance".
2. Declined saying he preferred to do such-and-such alone.
3. Declined, saying he "was in a weird place" and he was "not trying to be a jerk".
This last one, most recently.

He has allowed small touches without flinching (Wow! Imagine that. My husband of 23 years didn't flinch when I touched his shoulder. Woo-hoo!!!)
Yet the other night he almost fell over himself backing up to "let me pass" when I was on my way out for the night and he was "pet-sitting".
I couldn't help myself.

I said: "Geez, it's not like I have cooties or something..."
To which he answered, "I was just...just... giving you space to get by."

Yeah. OK. Like he has the last five years. Backing up when passing me in a hallway or doorway so he wouldn't have to touch me. Like I'm so disgusting...

Sorry---I digress.

I will take your advice and get to it. I only have 12 months or so left, (fortunate, I know, compared to some), so I'd better try everything in my arsenal.

I think where I get stuck is him getting so negative with me, going MIA, being snippy, trying to undermine my PMA...

I think if I can get past that, I'd be OK. After all, what is he going to do?
Cheat on me and lie to me?

Been there, done that.

If that didn't destroy my PMA, nothing he can do now will, either.

Thanks for responding.
(I'm on a strange computer in another state, so this is a bit disjointed.)


--(G)GGG