I thanked S for that confidence, agreed that yes, Dad has come a long way in a year. What I did not tell S was that I was feeling unsettled because Mr Gritty didn't give me a single thing for Christmas. Not even a card.
When we opened presents H said he loved his gifts from me, really loved them. But... there was nothing from Mr. Gritty to me. He didn't say anything, either, like, "sorry I didn't get you anything..." so I waited all day for something to arrive, or for him to pull out a card or a box or whatever.
Finally I asked him if there was a card for me somewhere. I know I shouldn't have done that but I literally could not keep my mouth from opening up and asking: "By the way, honey, did you get me a card?"
His demeanor changed immediately and I could tell he felt bad. "You said you didn't want anything!" True, that's what I said. I say that every year. But this year, what should I have said? "Get me something good to make up for all the bad times!"? Besides, I hate asking for presents.
He asked me if I thought he messed up, if I thought he was bad. I told him no, but he was clueless, that a love letter would've been the perfect gift, even just a card would've been great, especially after all the two of us had been through this year. He apologized.
Then I told him I feared I was like wallpaper, always there, super dependable, easy to overlook. I was not angry, we weren't fighting, there was no heat in our discussion, just discomfort. He was more uncomfortable than I was. I felt so flat. Later I realized the flatness was just being sad. I feel sad. I feel like, wow. Not even a card?
I realize I'm attributing expectations to his behavior. Yeah. That is what I am doing. And for all of me being so "I don't like asking for presents," I'm kind of surprised that this hurts so much. Presents don't mean anything. If he wrote me a letter, it would've been perfect. It's just that he didn't do anything at all. Nothing.
I read stories like Caliguy's, Shakspear's, HopeTex's, etc., and I know I am lucky to be in R with Mr. Gritty. But I feel like I have no roadmap, no idea of what is "correct" or not.
What does that mean, not even a card? Does it mean anything? I'm already planning on little fibs for when family and friends ask me what H got me for Christmas. I can't tell anybody he got me absolutely nothing. I can't tell our Ss, either. I know this much: not getting me anything for Christmas, not even a card... they'll think that is bad.
So I guess I know that much if I'm willing to lie about it.
M:54, H:55 T:33, M:27 12/13 BD: EA 01/14 BD: PA, H leaves 03/14 H & OW break up 05/14 H says he will file for D 08/14 H initiates D 09/14 H wants to R 12/14 Still bungling our way through R
