How could I have handed him so many different ways to hurt me after BD? Why didn't I pick up my dignity and tell him to treat me right or get out? When I look back now at all the things I let him say to me without protest, things that were incredibly cruel and unfair, and I let them pass just because he said them calmly... I want to kick myself. How could I have let him treat me that way?
I'm cycling back through hurting from those things. Hurting from how my mom has treated me and from the completeness of my knowledge that she and my dad never really liked me for who I am. Also seeing that I do put up shields in certain places and I can see people reacting when they bounce into them sometimes (including a little bit with H yesterday and today when he picked up the kids just now, but he doesn't deserve for me to lower them) and it feels almost impossible that I can ever be ok with keep them lower.
I don't think I'm really so difficult to love that I deserve the three people who are supposed to love me most in the whole world to turn against me this way. I don't think it's really on me. So why is this my life? Or is it really on me? If I were easier to love would I be loved more by the people who promised they did?
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
