Maybell XXV: Moving Toward the Lighthouse

[Maybell]

Claire, I ask for help when I need it. I've been doing a lot of asking in the last year. This is not an area where I need to be more assertive. The only times he ever bought me flowers was when I said I needed more help and that i couldn't do it all by myself. He'd buy me flowers and do better for about a week and then give up on everything again.

My H is a taker. He also went a LONG time demonstrating his lack of respect for me. Like, if it was his turn to wash the dishes and the dishwasher was running, he'd just stack them on the counter and refuse to do it. Like, he could be sitting there next to me with the bed covered with laundry to be folded and he'd wait to go to bed so I could fold it all by myself. If I gave him his own clothes to fold he'd just lay it on the dresser or on the floor and not do it. We had a cat so leaving it out for the cat to nest in was a bad option.

The only gap left by his leaving was taking out the trash and doing the finances. He's still doing the finances (which I'm hoping to take over at least halfway once I get this separation dealt with) and S8 has taken over the trash. EVERYTHING ELSE is the same.

I used to value him. I used to miss him and wish to figure out how to be closer to him. Now I see this guy who idolizes Walter White and Saul from Breaking Bad and I see his Tinder profile and the texts he sent to OW and I remember how he says he liked being "flirty" (explicit) with her and that he couldn't be "flirty" with me -- as if he'd ever tried -- and I think, WTH? He doesn't know me at all. He completely abandoned me emotionally and he blames me for the lack of passion?

I think I'm just sad at being so stupid. I wish this day were over.