Took the kids for a long walk. Took them to see a movie. Now they're playing Legos and will be leaving for H's place in an hour or so.
"Cheese. Hats. Boxes. Those things don't make you you. YOU make you you."
It really made me see how my choices can make me.
This has been hanging on the wall of my home office for several years:
"Discipline is just choosing between what you want NOW and what you want MOST."
What I want MOST is to be a kind, loving person who never treats anyone the way my mother has treated me for the last several months. Who is as lovely, kind, smart, and competent as people seem to think I am. Who becomes adventurous, frugal, confident, and self-sufficient.
Throwing myself on the railroad tracks of a cr@ppy marriage because I chose poorly 18 years ago and didn't have the nerve to face it sooner is not good discipline.
I'm having kind of a rough day. I don't want to change my direction; I think I'm right in how I've aimed myself. But I wish my circumstances were different and that my H was the person I thought he was. I really don't think he is.
Heading for the lighthouse. Sad and scared, but heading for the lighthouse anyway. I hope he finds happiness.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
