barely holding on - 6

[u-turn]

Things will get better - they have to.

Boy this christmas was different than ever before.

S20: followed through with his threats and never came home. Never talked to me but has had text conversations with W & S17. He has lied to us about everything in the last 6 months and is blaming W & I. He told W that she is manipulative and always has been and apparently he said I just let it happen. I'm not sure where to go with this - I feel like I should let him go (for as long as he wants) and see if or how he returns. (W is more reactive and wants to cancel all of the things that we provide for him - immediately). (She won't look at herself the same way)

S17: thought everything was good with him - but caught him smoking again. He has lied to me too about many things. He says he cannot stop smoking and blames it on our family. I am taking him out to have a heart to heart with him. Grounding and punishment are not the answers this, this is bigger than that. I put dealing with that on pause until today

D14: She has shut down because she sees the trouble W & I are having - and no amount of fake family fun can hide it. W is taking her to return some clothes and lunch and heart to heart.

We do not have a plan in place for what we are telling them and are not speaking enough to come up with a plan - I think we will focus on family not mom & dad right now.

We are trying to get through this, but I think we can no longer cover the reality of what is happening and what is going to happen.

Good and Bad things (I am trying not to focus on bad, but I will list)
- christmas eve dinner (me,W, S17, D14), Very nice to be sitting together, great food, we tried to make it all normal and fun. W makes a short toast and says individually to the kids that she loves them. She then mouthed that she loved me (this really pushed me over. My eyes welled up and she saw it (I don't know if the kids saw it) - she knew that it hurt me to see that right now - I wanted to ignore it, but lost control of my emotions a little - and I don't know why, but I mouthed it back to her. (the next day I told her that I was). I recovered quickly with a joke to the kids and we made it through dinner.

I sat with the family for a short time and the kids went to bed. I went to wrap some presents and to watch TV (no interaction with W, but this is our normal night).

Christmas morn - all good, a little awkward and tense because of S20 - (and really the absence of Ws family who usually all come over on christmas morn. W has alienated them and we will not see them - I guess). Kids had fun opening presents. My thoughts were that this is the last time.

Christmas evening - 4 of us went to my parents, had dinner, exchanged gifts. W was removed and not comfortable. I was extra talkative and fun with nieces, kids and brother. I don't get to see my brother too much and it was good to talk to him - had some one on one time with him.

I almost opened up to him about the troubles we are having, but held back. I feel good about that now. (W walked in on us and I think she assumed I was telling him about us - She left quickly. I almost never talk to him alone - we've never communicated very well.) He has gone through a rough divorce and is completely broke now because of medical bills and child support. He just cannot get ahead and his XW is taking him to court again.

Fun point - got into a wrestling match with S17 (he's out of my weight class) and I fractured a couple ribs. W was very annoyed by this - (Just having a little fun). I was livening up the place, diverting the negativity that was starting, having fun with kids - I tend to do a little clownery at my family gatherings when things are going sour.

I felt a better connection with my parents, brother, and nieces than I have in a long time.

W laid down and slept for a couple hours - removing herself from any interaction. She did this at thanksgiving too. I made no excuses for her. I wish she hadn't come, but that would have left me explaining things to everyone and I didn't want to deal with that.

Weird night

I am still resolved that this cannot continue as it is. I know that I should not bring it up to W, but we need a plan and she needs to know that I will not remain in this open marriage. I think she knows it, but she won't do anything about it.