It is 3 am and I just can't sleep. This burden on my heart is so heavy sometimes. The emotions are so powerful and the loneliness is like nothing I've felt before. Yesterday I was surrounded by people and noise but yet I felt so alone. I am sure this is common. It just hurts so deeply.
The girls and I each texted H Merry Christmas. He replied to them relieved to be hearing from them. H replied to me he hoped I am having a nice time visiting my folks. It was civil and it was positive as it was able to be during this first holiday.
I really want to text him right now. Simply saying Merry Christmas feels awful and impersonal. I just miss the man I married today. He should be here but playing the "woulda, shoulda, coulda game" is a no win proposition. I understand that asking for more is just not going to be met with anything positive right now. H is probably spending Christmas with OW. Maybe even her kids. I think it is better if I don't know.
So here I am posting in the wee hours of the morning so I don't make a fool out of myself.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
