Card29 VIII

[Card29]

Struggling with some dysfunction at my mom's house. My 28 yr old sister has been living her for a couple of years. She has no job, no car, her friends are now married and busy, she can't use her degree. I don't know how happy she is, but she kind of depresses me even though I love her. But on top of that, she is very mean to our mom. She's constantly criticizing her, and my mom seems to put up with it. A couple of days ago, though, it boiled over and my mom snapped. I had only been here for a couple of days, so I hadn't talked to my sister yet about it. I kind of blew up on her after I walked into my mom screaming and crying.

Blah

[Mozza]

Aouch, that sux. I've no experience with these situation but I'd suggest you apply some DB techniques to the problem. First, raising your voice makes you lose the argument. You're very level headed around here so use that. Second, kill them with kindness. Finally, don't put this problem on your shoulders. It's on the two of them. You can listen to both, be a safe space of validation, etc. but don't feel it's for you to make the relationship harmonious. You have plenty to deal with already!

[Card29]

Really struggling with PMA. Family is starting to arrive, so it's time to suck it up and attempt to be happy

[Card29]

Had a convo with WAW out of nowhere today. It started because she picked up on my frustration with the dogs. I told her I wasnt sure if I wanted to keep them if I'm going to be alone in an apt. She was really upset. I told her I wasn't making a decision right now. She said, "So if I divorce you, you're getting rid of the dogs?" I told her that it wasn't like that, its not an ultimatum. She said, "I don't understand why you wouldn't want to at least try to fix the things that are causing the problems. Why cant you at least try?" I couldnt help but chuckle, since that is exactly our M sitch, and what I said to her.

She asked why I laughed, so I told her. And that stared another terrible R talk. I went through the same pointless arguing about why we could fix it, but tried to validate how she felt, and voice that I knew she was not interested in or had the energy to work on it "right now". She said, "You keep saying 'right now' like I'm going to change my mind." It really went downhill from there. She said she was dead in our M, she's completely done. Then she told me she's dating. I think I need to really start focusing on myself. I should have the whole time, and I did for a while. And I guess I can still leave the hope door open. But it's going to have to be an open door that I try to never think about.

Worst Christmas Eve ever lol

When I got back to the large family gathering, an aunt picked up on my pain. Took me to a bedroom and talked to me. I cried like I haven't cried in months. That really helped me kind of enjoy the rest of the night. I know tomorrow will be a cold reality, but tonight I feel half okay. I feel guilty for letting that convo happen, though. It completely ruined WAW's night, I'm sure, and she's sitting there alone. I guess she could confide in her BF or whatever is going on

[uRworthy]

I feel guilty for letting that convo happen, though. It completely ruined WAW's night, I'm sure, and she's sitting there alone. I guess she could confide in her BF or whatever is going on

I wouldnt feel guilty for ruining her night. She had a part in that.

I will say that you kind of walked right into that and it didnt serve you well.

They need to feel heard. Your words told her that you didnt.

Hop on off the ride, C. Leave her to it. You get back to you and your daughter.

[Card29]

She told me she felt like a sexual object the whole time. I had no idea. I wasn't that demanding. I put up with months without sex. I didn't know why she didn't want to. I feel so awful about myself that I did that to my W

[uRworthy]

C, those are her feelings so they are valid to her. But understand that you did the best you could with the knowledge and tools at the time. Had you known better, you would have done better.

So, you need to first and foremost forgive yourself. You know the things you need to work on and you are doing that.

You cannot undo the past. It's that you learn from it that matters. It's what you do moving forward that matters.

Try to enjoy this holiday with your child. Make new memories. Do new things.

Be kind to yourself, C. You matter, too.

Happy holidays!

[Card29]

Thanks for your thoughts and your time, uR Happy Holidays

[25yearsmlc]

Hey Card. I wanted to talk with you about a few things.

The first is that I get why you feel as you do about yourself. The person you loved and trusted most in the world, doesnt want to be with you at this time.

The thing about that is this. Our worth should not come from others. We get to define it. Now thats not to say that others feelings towards us dont matter. They do.

^^^Good stuff!!

Others feelings only matter b/c how they treat us, matters. Sometimes we need them, as with a child who literally NEEDS their parent.

But we must not, cannot let others views of us DEFINE us. And once we are no longer children, we must lose the "need" for others approval. Their "data" about is, is not valid. Thus, it can be discarded.

By way of analogy, here's a true story. A homeless man lived on a grate in my city and I'd pass him nearly every morning on my way to work at a law firm. For some reason, that homeless man seemed to HATE me. He'd scream the most vile (almost funny) things at me.

I began to wonder what triggered this response in him. I looked at my conservative "lawyer outfit" and figured it was pretty much standard, I'm not tall or large so I could not have "intimidated" him....point is, I really racked my brain wondering about MYSELF...


one day my boss and I walked by the guy and he again yelled that obscenity at me in front of my boss!! My boss had a great (previously unknown to me) sense of humor and turned to me and said "is that your old boyfriend?"


It suddenly dawned on me that the homeless man on the street grate screaming at me, literally had nothing to do with me. I LET him take up space in my brain...but His "Data" about me was not true.

I'm NOT who he believes I am. Thus, his words no longer had any effect on me. At least nothing negative, b/c I did begin to think the whole thing was hilarious.

You need to ask yourself sometime, if you REALLY are "ugly", "stupid, incompetent, etc" or DESERVING of such treatment...OR any of the odd negative thoughts crossing your mind.

When you are in a healthy OBJECTIVE frame of mind, I'm sure just by how articulate you are here, that you will see the data you are looking at, is NOT real.

It's fear, it's painful EMOTIONS you FEEL, and those are feelings, not factual realities.

Instead of waiting to FEEL better and then to behave differently,

behave differently and MAKE YOURSELF FEEL better. Honestly, the "outside in" can work!

Just as we must act in alignment with our goals, and NOT how we feel at a given moment, we must also see ourselves in alignment with reality and NOT in ways that simply reflect how we feel.

Your w suffers from depression, right? So her FEELINGS determine how her days go.

But her feelings were not in alignment with reality.

Don't fall prey to the same trap.

Make sense?


My mother was an alcoholic. I couldnt do anything right in her eyes. I tried my whole life to get her to like me.

I married a man who was controlling and condescending.

I allowed both of them to make me feel less than.

This^^ is so sad. Yet I hope/believe that knowing this,^^ seeing it, is empowering.

Card, you can CHOOSE to see yourself in alignment with reality , or with however you feel at a given moment.

Hasn't your family, childhood and your wife's depression already polluted enough of your life? You can stop allowing that. It's truly, all up to YOU.




I realized that they were the mirrors I used to reflect back what they saw about me.

The thing is that they were both broken. So what was reflected back, wasnt true.

So, I needed to get new mirrors.

Be the person you choose to be. Be that person every day. Some days you make it, some you dont. But that should always be the goal.

The other thing is that we have no idea what the future holds. None. Anythiing could happen. You never would have forseen this, right?

That's just defeating thinking.

--
--
About being there for her. I know that you worry that since you werent there for her the last few years, that you need to show her you are now.

I feel this way. She is telling you she doesnt want to be married. She needs you to hear that. You dont have to like it. But you do have to hear it.

FOR NOW, back the heck off. Seriously. And the only way to do that successfully is to detach

and the only way I know how to detach is to GAL....for real...

I'll post more later. Back off, and trust this process....


You can be kind and compassionate without pursuing. You also need to have her live in the natural consequences of her actions. That doesnt mean you cause that, just that you allow it to unfold.

I know you are concerned about her. But maybe she doesnt get the help she needs because she gets it from you.

When I was depressed, as long as I had someone listen to me, I didnt really need to do the work. I poured my stuff out. They told me what they thought I wanted to hear and then I was good for a bit.

This doesnt mean you should be nasty. You should be the kind of person you want to be.

^^^
THIS is good stuff!!!

[Card29]

Thank you, 25, for stopping by. I know its really soon after my latest serious crash, but I have felt really, really good for a lot of today. And it's happening just like uR and others have said it needs to happen. I'm letting go of her. I'm forgiving myself, because I did not intend to cause pain, I did the best with the knowledge I had, I have always wanted to be a good H above all else. I am starting to truly forgive myself. It's one day, but it was a good day. It really helped that my sister, the one I'm really close to, is in town (she currently lives in LA, about 2500 miles away). She always gives me such a boost.

I also think getting such direct, definite words from WAW about the end of our M, as painful as it's been to hear, has let me finally begin to move on to the final stage of grief: acceptance. I know I should have considered myself "dead" months ago and focused on myself, but I didnt. And that's okay. I'm doing it now. I still love WAW. I'm not slamming the door closed on hope or possibility. But I'm no longer standing obsessively by the door. I'm not leaving splinters of overly hopeful thoughts in my mind anymore ("she's not interested in the M right now", and then hang all of my heart on the hopeful temporariness of it). She's not interested in the M. Period. I will GAL, focus on myself, focus on D2, focus on friends and family, let go of W, respect her wishes for herself, and IF something changes with her (not expecting it or hoping for it anymore), I will address it then.

I believe God is at work. In my sitch, in my heart, and in your hearts. You are very special people.