New, looking for help. WAW won't communicate.

[okjpc]

I hate to admit it, but I guess I really did think my W would respond to my text this morning. Or one of the stepkids would. I feel really deflated and tired of this sitch. If you aren't going to talk with me, then just file for the damned D, already!

I don't mean to get my hopes up, but I keep doing so. One of them has to miss me, right? I feel like such an idiot.

I'm going to take my kids to a movie in a couple of hours, and am looking forward to sitting in a dark room being passively entertained for a couple hours. But my PMA is tapped out. I just want to throw a fit.

It seems like my W has completely out-a$$holed me by this point, but feels totally justified in her actions. My ego doesn't like that.

[okjpc]

I'm sorry for whining. I'm just feeling lower than I have in a while. I know it will get better. Guess I'm a bit caught off guard by how much it still hurts.

[Mozza]

Don't take their reactions so literally. It's all a game. You go for the worst scenario: they don't miss me. The reality is likely very different. They might have had an argument because one if them wanted to reply. They may have seen it too late to respond (happens to me). They may have felt touched and W was afraid of giving you Faldo hopes by responding. More likely than not, they had some thoughts and motives for not responding, which you can't really guess. That's why you should have no expectations and detach.

Enjoy the movie with your kids,

[HPoirot]

Oh okjpc I feel you but opposite. My W has send me a few nice texts over the past couple days... yesterday a pic of my son with is baby cousin. This morning a "merry Christmas HP. Tell me did you get S11 a computer?" Later a "Hey how is the day going?" Then a "s11 says he wants to stay later with you tomorrow. Is X time OK to pick him up?"

So, different from you where you sent texts and feel stung for not getting a response, I get texts and respond to none of them and feel stung I get the texts from this woman in the horrible situation. Then I check if she sent more texts. Stupid, frustrating, and painful.

We have to let this all go. The advice is to assume nothing about them... just be in the present where you are now. I am lucky my S11 is here playing the game I got for him and excited to show it to me. It's like a movie so I watch with him. I forget for a few minutes. Then sometimes I check the phone for a text to ignore. See... I'm laughing at myself right now.

So, remember Dirty Harry. He comes home alone, opens a six pack, relaxes. Maybe not a happy man... but he doesn't go on and on about it... not even with himself. He has a purpose and just keeps going.

I'm sorry you're not getting the response you want. If I got a text I wanted to see... I would respond too. I see that is what I'm doing... still expecting something that it's best for me to accept won't come.

I'm with you okjpc. I feel sick and in pain right now with you.

Just keep going. Find something to enjoy right now and the pain will lessen.

I'm going to warm up lasagne for dinner and get back to my boy. Read something inspiring. Maybe see the Unbroken movie tomorrow. Anything to keep going.

Just keep going.

[okjpc]

Mozza & HP,

Thank you both for your thoughts. And you're both absolutely right.

I haven't been sleeping well the past few nights, so I've been a little more vulnerable to negative thinking.

But tonight I did go to a movie with my kids, my sister and BIL and a cousin that I'm very close with who is visiting his parents from Europe right now. We had a good time. I brought the kids home, my mom got them into bed and I drove my cousin to his parents' house in a nearby town.

He has been going through a D for a little over a year and got so depressed a couple of months ago he attempted suicide. Luckily he survived (but has needed quite a few painful surgeries) and has woken up quite a bit. He is also starting to have second thoughts about his D. I talked about my sitch and recommended he read DR, which he said he would do. He's doing better these days with the PMA and GAL. It was really nice to see him and catch up with him. We've always been very close, but he's lived in the UK for 10 years, and I don't get to see him in person but every couple of years.

So I'm in a much better space right now. Will get up early to go to one last AA meeting here in town, visit my very elderly grandmother one more time then head home with the kids.

But again guys, thank you for weighing in and helping to keep me straight and focused.

[okjpc]

By the way, I do think texting my W, SS and SD this morning was the right move. It felt right at the time and still does. I've been working very hard during this S to do the correct thing regardless of how I feel. And I do feel like no matter what happens (D, R, etc.), I have handled this sitch with dignity.

I really appreciate the DB community for sharing stories and guidance, keeping me from doing stupid stuff that my hurting heart and brain tell me to do, and at times, just allowing me to vent.

[okjpc]

I keep cycling through the stages of grief, but seem to be moving more and more towards detaching.

Last night was a pretty good GAL night - spoke at my 12 Step meeting and admitted to a pretty large group for the first time about my S (I had kept this info pretty vague except with a handful of close friends). Then went out for a late night breakfast with a friend from the program.

This next part is a bit embarrassing to admit, but when I got home, by myself and in my home for the first time in days, I called a telephone psychic. I have never done that before and don't necessarily believe in that sort of stuff, but I was restless and desperate for a different perspective on my sitch. I only chose a psychic after doing quite a bit of research and I chose a woman who specializes in broken M readings. She said my WAW definitely loves me, but has no intention of coming back. She is undergoing some kind of psychological breakdown and there is nothing I can do. It will take years for my W to come to terms with and deal with her underlying issues, during which time she will stumble through a number of R's with different people. She is, the psychic said, in a R with someone new right now. She will not file for D anytime soon b/c she is too overwhelmed in her life and can't deal with the reality of a D; however, I shouldn't be encouraged by that. In fact, I should just grieve the loss of the R and move on. I should definitely take the out of town job and within 7 mos, I will be "back in my power".

This may all be total BS, but it did give me some comfort last night. I am tired of hoping against hope for my WAW to come back and/or talk with me. I want to declare this M dead. And I know it says in DB/DR that the old M is, in fact, dead. But I want to stop hoping for a new M with my W. The stress, the pain and disappointment are too much.

Today i have been feeling a physical withdrawal from my W. Like the connecting heart strings are being pulled from my body. It's a feeling beyond detachment - it's more like an extraction.

This probably sounds goofy and I'm sure I'll soon feel embarrassed that I wrote this, but I needed to get this down like a journal entry. Please feel free to break out the 2x4s!

[Vapo]

OK, all you are going trough is perfectly normal. It does get better, a little bit each day...

[MCS]

Yep, I go through the same thing. Some days, it hits me about all of the stuff that she has done, the cover-ups for the A, the acting like everything was okay, the blaming me for everything, leaving the kids, buying a house, telling people lies about me and saying I've destroyed her self esteem, etc.

Then something happens, I see a sign. It could be a sermon at church, one of those "thoughts" that pops into your head when you're praying, a sappy comercial, a seemingly random interaction with somebody that says something that comforts me, or sometimes I just stare off in the distance and think. Then I'm back in, I get a renewed feeling that we had something special and W is lost right now.

This is normal. Detaching is not easy or pretty, but it seems to be essential. Why? Because it helps us be okay with the outcome regardless if it is with our W or not. I look at myself and know I'm going to be happy someday, with someone. I hope today that that someone is my W, but not the person my W is right now. The person I see now is not good, especially for our R. We need to be patient.

My mom's friend just got back together with her H after 5 years! They never got divorced, have been separated. Both had long term R in that time. Know what the W said to my mom? "I'm not sure what I was thinking when we S. He had his faults, but they were small. The challenges of life are still there, it wasn't the marriage causing it"

Now, I'm not sure if 5 years is in my cards, and I pray there would be resolution before that, but don't let go of hope. Remember, this is not in your hands right now. Have faith and relinquish as much of that interfering free will that you can and understand there is a plan in all of our sitchs, we are only seeing it one step at a time.

[Pink17]

Hi Okjpc,

Wow, you got some nice words and wise words from MCS. I too had this feeling that detaching meant to give up. Well, it's not. Detaching is creating a life for yourself, having your own identity and individuality. It's breaking the physical and emotional dependency that we create once we get married.

So, once you understand that you can detach and still hope for your M to work, then you will feel better.

There is this path you create to have some fun, start new hobbies, meet new people, etc. But, in the same time you can think it's possible to reconcile.

Once it happen, you don't need to give up, but you will give yourself opportunities to live you life in full. As you do it, you won't feel so depressed, anxious and unhappy. You will start to smile more, feel more confident and the more you do, the better you feel.

Now, it doesn't mean you will just feel good like la la land, life is hard by itself, the pain of grieving the loss of your W will come and go. Every day it gets a little better.

About the XMas text, I think you did good. After years with someone it's polite to wish them a good time. She has her reasons do not answer.

Hey man, do you guys have some friends in common? There are any places you both used to go together? Did you text her asking if the kids could spend some time together, even if it is for a few hours just to catch up? These kids where growing together as a family and now it is all gone, maybe your W will think twice about it.

And by the way, the psychic is someone tempting, but I do not believe in these things, if it does not happen the way they said, then they are not held accountable.

Good luck, detach as much as you can because you will need your individuality even if you reconcile.

Hugs,
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